Please read and report to my what you muse!!?
- Prologue -
I saw the red light in the corner of my eye, but before I could vote anything there was the sound of crunching metal tangle around the front right hand side of the car where my Mom sit. My head smacked into the window and I felt an ooze of reheat liquid spread across my head and down the side of my face. My eyes shut tightly, but I could still hear and smell everything occurring around me. There was another screech of tyres and the deafening crunch of metal – this time it be on my side of the car. Everything went silent for a minute and I felt myself verbs hard against the seatbelt I was wearing, the car be spinning in the air. There was a final crunch as the sports car hit the brick wall of the building opposite the intersection we had entered.
I open my eyes and looked around, everything was blurry; I could smell petrol and a musty scent that made me want to lean out the window to get away from. I looked to the front of the motor and the metal was crumpled around my Mom and Dad, I could tell that they were no longer breathing, but I couldn’t believe it. A flood of sentiment ran through me - fear, anger, sadness - they be dead and I could hardly breathe knowing that.
“Hello, can you hear me? Are you ok? Can you move?” A dull voice was asking me.
I took one final look at my blurred surroundings and pain shot up from my entire body, with a strong painful throbbing coming from my leader. Everything went black...
This is a second draft please be very critical! thank you
Answers:
awww were did you grasp this from
I enjoyed reading your piece.
I'm not sure nearly the word "tangling" - makes it sound a bit like a orb of wool rather than metal.
Maybe stop at "brick wall". Going on to say about the intersection take some of the power out of the story.
Musty scent - something a bit more overpowering kind of smell.
A dull voice was asking me from far far away
It's good, but in my opinion, the commotion moves on too quickly. You don't allow her enough time to feel panic and show us her distress. You're telling us that she feels scared, angry and dismal, but it would be far more effective if you were to show us, eg: have her shout and yell and possibly start crying or something. Considering her parents have just died, she seems impossibly become quiet?
'Pull hard' sounds a bit strange. Try 'thrown' or something. (:
The 'everything went black' line is very cliche. If you want her to go by out, try and do it in a more original way (:
It's also exceedingly short - try lengthening it up a bit (:
On the plus side (sorry for all the negativity, but you did ask for concrit ;]), I like the way you describe the smell of petrol - I almost be aware of that I myself can smell it - and the way that you've kept description of your character very low; so heaps people write great big flowery descriptions that the readetr doesn't really need to know. (: 'Dull voice' is also quite influential as it gives the impression that all the attractiveness has gone out of the world at once (:
Hope this helps and good luck (:
I really like the concept, however, this needs to slow down a bit. Everything is sort of choppy and disjointed. You could help that by conceivably improving the sentence structure slightly. Also, just a teensy bit more information at the start would be immensely helpful. Instead of the vehicle hit the brick wall, something like "came to rest against" might sound better. Source(s): College English Education chief
Overall..nice job...
My suggestions:
...but up to that time I could speak there was the sound of crunching metal
coming from the passenger side of the motor.
My eyes were shut tightly, but my senses were fully aware of what was scheduled around me.
...another screech of tires (spelling) and the deafening sound of _____ decoration dangerously close to me.
Silence! All of a sudden I felt myself straining against my seatbelt as the car be spinning out of control.
There was a final thud as the car hit a brick wall.
...everything be blurry.
...lean out the window for fresh air.
...I could hardly breathe at the thought of it.
...blurred surroundings as anguish shot out of my entire body; my head was throbbing.
Good luck!
I assume it's great, but really, if I was in a car stroke of luck I wouldn't be too quiet. I understand you want to make everything move like a shot, but I'd be screaming my lungs out, and so would everyone else. Maybe add something like:
My blood raced through my body, panic rising surrounded by me like a hot air balloon. I opened my mouth and scream, but even more metal snapped around me, I started crying, and kicked at the front seats, but no one said anything in response, and near a cold chill I realized that I was the only one alive surrounded by the car.
Something like that. Also, the metal of the car snapped didn't it, conceivably the glass should shatter as well? Unless it's bulletproof or something.
Related Questions:
Is anyone annoyed that some writers here ask for name, book titles, and can't do anything themselves?
SeriouslyCan I have some rare names?I want a book title?I enjoy no inspiration can I have a story idea? i myself often post here for book help But i agree that asking for plot concept, titles, and full charecter profiles is really a little weak.
About a writing contest?
i'm curious about the prizes, because a lot of them are xxxx$+ publication. my question is:does the publication of your work give you any benefit (like 1$ per selled book)? Not usually, no, but I would suggest reading the competition rules. Generally, though, the prize is either some money + publication in an anthology or on a website...
I saw the red light in the corner of my eye, but before I could vote anything there was the sound of crunching metal tangle around the front right hand side of the car where my Mom sit. My head smacked into the window and I felt an ooze of reheat liquid spread across my head and down the side of my face. My eyes shut tightly, but I could still hear and smell everything occurring around me. There was another screech of tyres and the deafening crunch of metal – this time it be on my side of the car. Everything went silent for a minute and I felt myself verbs hard against the seatbelt I was wearing, the car be spinning in the air. There was a final crunch as the sports car hit the brick wall of the building opposite the intersection we had entered.
I open my eyes and looked around, everything was blurry; I could smell petrol and a musty scent that made me want to lean out the window to get away from. I looked to the front of the motor and the metal was crumpled around my Mom and Dad, I could tell that they were no longer breathing, but I couldn’t believe it. A flood of sentiment ran through me - fear, anger, sadness - they be dead and I could hardly breathe knowing that.
“Hello, can you hear me? Are you ok? Can you move?” A dull voice was asking me.
I took one final look at my blurred surroundings and pain shot up from my entire body, with a strong painful throbbing coming from my leader. Everything went black...
This is a second draft please be very critical! thank you
Answers:
awww were did you grasp this from
I enjoyed reading your piece.
I'm not sure nearly the word "tangling" - makes it sound a bit like a orb of wool rather than metal.
Maybe stop at "brick wall". Going on to say about the intersection take some of the power out of the story.
Musty scent - something a bit more overpowering kind of smell.
A dull voice was asking me from far far away
It's good, but in my opinion, the commotion moves on too quickly. You don't allow her enough time to feel panic and show us her distress. You're telling us that she feels scared, angry and dismal, but it would be far more effective if you were to show us, eg: have her shout and yell and possibly start crying or something. Considering her parents have just died, she seems impossibly become quiet?
'Pull hard' sounds a bit strange. Try 'thrown' or something. (:
The 'everything went black' line is very cliche. If you want her to go by out, try and do it in a more original way (:
It's also exceedingly short - try lengthening it up a bit (:
On the plus side (sorry for all the negativity, but you did ask for concrit ;]), I like the way you describe the smell of petrol - I almost be aware of that I myself can smell it - and the way that you've kept description of your character very low; so heaps people write great big flowery descriptions that the readetr doesn't really need to know. (: 'Dull voice' is also quite influential as it gives the impression that all the attractiveness has gone out of the world at once (:
Hope this helps and good luck (:
I really like the concept, however, this needs to slow down a bit. Everything is sort of choppy and disjointed. You could help that by conceivably improving the sentence structure slightly. Also, just a teensy bit more information at the start would be immensely helpful. Instead of the vehicle hit the brick wall, something like "came to rest against" might sound better. Source(s): College English Education chief
Overall..nice job...
My suggestions:
...but up to that time I could speak there was the sound of crunching metal
coming from the passenger side of the motor.
My eyes were shut tightly, but my senses were fully aware of what was scheduled around me.
...another screech of tires (spelling) and the deafening sound of _____ decoration dangerously close to me.
Silence! All of a sudden I felt myself straining against my seatbelt as the car be spinning out of control.
There was a final thud as the car hit a brick wall.
...everything be blurry.
...lean out the window for fresh air.
...I could hardly breathe at the thought of it.
...blurred surroundings as anguish shot out of my entire body; my head was throbbing.
Good luck!
I assume it's great, but really, if I was in a car stroke of luck I wouldn't be too quiet. I understand you want to make everything move like a shot, but I'd be screaming my lungs out, and so would everyone else. Maybe add something like:
My blood raced through my body, panic rising surrounded by me like a hot air balloon. I opened my mouth and scream, but even more metal snapped around me, I started crying, and kicked at the front seats, but no one said anything in response, and near a cold chill I realized that I was the only one alive surrounded by the car.
Something like that. Also, the metal of the car snapped didn't it, conceivably the glass should shatter as well? Unless it's bulletproof or something.
Related Questions:
Is anyone annoyed that some writers here ask for name, book titles, and can't do anything themselves?
SeriouslyCan I have some rare names?I want a book title?I enjoy no inspiration can I have a story idea? i myself often post here for book help But i agree that asking for plot concept, titles, and full charecter profiles is really a little weak.
About a writing contest?
i'm curious about the prizes, because a lot of them are xxxx$+ publication. my question is:does the publication of your work give you any benefit (like 1$ per selled book)? Not usually, no, but I would suggest reading the competition rules. Generally, though, the prize is either some money + publication in an anthology or on a website...