Does this grab hold of your attention?
My book is already finished but it struck me that for it to be any good it has to grab you surrounded by the first few seconds, so does this grab you? Don't worry i haven't copied page ;)
Prologue
Some people say that within existence its self only death remains; nothing and everything can’t exist together anymore. There be a lot of death in Kireyarvaan that hours of darkness. Michenelle could see it dancing around like a flickering flame finding the old and the insipid. She wrapped her veil around herself tighter; the coarse material leaving criss-cross marks on her arms and obverse; etching into her fair skin. ‘I must hold on tightly’ she thought, her eyes flickering to and fro, or Passeller might see me. She continued walking round the circles moving up and down the web like streets keeping to the deepest shadows making her style to Cussler’s.
She had left the Freethinker’s segment now and so have no protection if anything went wrong. After all, there are closely of things that can go wrong in a murder.
So what do you think?
Answers:
It is a completely catching introduction and descriptive, but no offense but it doesn't really make sense. For example, if you are saying "she" must hold on tightly but then you speak that Passeller might see "me" isn't grammatically right. You should put something like "and she feared that the Passeller might see her" so it makes more sense. And also, what do you expect by "...moving up and down the web?" I don't really understand what the web is, and if you read out web it makes her sound resembling she is a spider. But other than those two mistakes, I would say that your introduction is very catching and vivid, and especially when you said "...the coarse fabric leaving criss-cross marks on her arms and face;etching into her fair-minded skin". Oh and also, keep up the good work and I would really like to see the rest of your book; it sounds really interesting! :) Source(s): Myself
I like it beside the first sentence.
I agree next to the other poster in that some of it confused me.
'I must hold on tightly,' she thought, her eyes flickering to and fro, 'or Passeller might see me.'
--Use proper punctuation.
There are grammar errors that make it read awkwardly, too. The final sentence in the first paragraph is confusing, and after reading it I have no idea what she's doing.
Instead of adage, "she continued walking around the circles," just say "she walked around the circles." There is no indication back this that she's already walking around the circles, so saying she "continued" to do so is unnecessary, unless you've mentioned it earlier. Plus, what are the circles that she's walking around? You need to attach more information and description of what's happening.
My advice: Yes, you need to take into custody the reader's attention quickly, but don't rush it all within the first two-three paragraph. Try to introduce conflict within the first 7-10 pages, and that is what will hold people reading. Sorry, but I don't put down a book after reading the first two paragraphs. Now, if you're writing a young fully developed novel, then it might be different, so that's something you might want to research; YA is written differently than Adult as far as catching the reader's attention.
Work on your sentence structure, too. There are many books you can buy that will help you with language rules.
With study, research, and continuous writing you'll get much better at it. Good luck.
ETA (Edit to Add): The second try is a bit better, but work on your punctuation and get rid of some of those semi-colons, which are unnecessary. It's still confusing, but the writing is "cleaner."
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The Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker?
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Holden Caulfied, age 15 or so, a funny and endearing kid, flunks out of Pency Prep and journey to New York where he stays in a hotel, drinks, tries to make a date, privately visits his sister, sees an old and once revered don, and then is frightened away...
Prologue
Some people say that within existence its self only death remains; nothing and everything can’t exist together anymore. There be a lot of death in Kireyarvaan that hours of darkness. Michenelle could see it dancing around like a flickering flame finding the old and the insipid. She wrapped her veil around herself tighter; the coarse material leaving criss-cross marks on her arms and obverse; etching into her fair skin. ‘I must hold on tightly’ she thought, her eyes flickering to and fro, or Passeller might see me. She continued walking round the circles moving up and down the web like streets keeping to the deepest shadows making her style to Cussler’s.
She had left the Freethinker’s segment now and so have no protection if anything went wrong. After all, there are closely of things that can go wrong in a murder.
So what do you think?
Answers:
It is a completely catching introduction and descriptive, but no offense but it doesn't really make sense. For example, if you are saying "she" must hold on tightly but then you speak that Passeller might see "me" isn't grammatically right. You should put something like "and she feared that the Passeller might see her" so it makes more sense. And also, what do you expect by "...moving up and down the web?" I don't really understand what the web is, and if you read out web it makes her sound resembling she is a spider. But other than those two mistakes, I would say that your introduction is very catching and vivid, and especially when you said "...the coarse fabric leaving criss-cross marks on her arms and face;etching into her fair-minded skin". Oh and also, keep up the good work and I would really like to see the rest of your book; it sounds really interesting! :) Source(s): Myself
I like it beside the first sentence.
I agree next to the other poster in that some of it confused me.
'I must hold on tightly,' she thought, her eyes flickering to and fro, 'or Passeller might see me.'
--Use proper punctuation.
There are grammar errors that make it read awkwardly, too. The final sentence in the first paragraph is confusing, and after reading it I have no idea what she's doing.
Instead of adage, "she continued walking around the circles," just say "she walked around the circles." There is no indication back this that she's already walking around the circles, so saying she "continued" to do so is unnecessary, unless you've mentioned it earlier. Plus, what are the circles that she's walking around? You need to attach more information and description of what's happening.
My advice: Yes, you need to take into custody the reader's attention quickly, but don't rush it all within the first two-three paragraph. Try to introduce conflict within the first 7-10 pages, and that is what will hold people reading. Sorry, but I don't put down a book after reading the first two paragraphs. Now, if you're writing a young fully developed novel, then it might be different, so that's something you might want to research; YA is written differently than Adult as far as catching the reader's attention.
Work on your sentence structure, too. There are many books you can buy that will help you with language rules.
With study, research, and continuous writing you'll get much better at it. Good luck.
ETA (Edit to Add): The second try is a bit better, but work on your punctuation and get rid of some of those semi-colons, which are unnecessary. It's still confusing, but the writing is "cleaner."
Related Questions:
The Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker?
Okay so, I'm going to read The Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker. There is Black, White, and Red. And then Green? I don't know where to start. I thought I should start Green first, because it's Book 0, but I'm not really sure.. Tell me, which book should I start first? This is the order you should...
Whats a rapid summary the the book Catcher surrounded by The Rye?
Holden Caulfied, age 15 or so, a funny and endearing kid, flunks out of Pency Prep and journey to New York where he stays in a hotel, drinks, tries to make a date, privately visits his sister, sees an old and once revered don, and then is frightened away...