How can i boost this 1st draft? please oblige, it seem kinda shaky?
*M1 and M2 aren't the characters names, its just that i can't think of anything even so. Suggest something if you want lol.
Btw, please keep in mind i'm only 13
“I’m fine Sir, honest.” Avalie Cross said to her master contained by her usual melancholy tone. “It’s the poor boy I’m worried about- remember Noah’s last leading man? I don’t think anyone know where he went... last I hear he’d thrown himself into the Abyss”
M1 chuckled, lightly placing a warm hand on Avalie’s leg.
“Ah, the boy’s grown up serving a Cleven. I’m sure Noah will wind up up being no worse than his late brother.”
“Mmm...”
M1 smiled and looked out of the carriage pane at the night-shrouded street outside; he and his servant were on the road to a more than familiar destination- the Cleven household. He’d found himself become more and more entranced by the ominous wonders of the extraordinary mansion every time he even thought of the building, the waves of energy enticing his every sense, taunting him further and further in...
M1 have to admit, in all of his vivacity times he’d never seen a building like it. A building with such overcast wonders etched into every brick, such magic and mystery burned into its foundations. It was his own little wonderland, his escape. Once upon a time he would have given the world to own such a place.
But after m2 Cleven’s release, he found himself steering away from the building as much as possible. M2 after all had grown up in that house, he know all the rooms, he’d walked every hall all the same he still found himself at the mercy of nothing more than a mere shadows puppet.
How could you do that to yourself, m2? How could you let those nothings break you?
M1 shook his head and closed the horse-drawn carriage curtain, his smile slowly fading. The last thing he needed to deem about was m2, it was his defect those ‘nothings’ were actually amounting to a threat. It was his denounce he and Avalie were returning to that stained place.
“What’s wrong, Sir?” Avalie asked, hinting on her master’s sudden disturbance. There was once again no feeling surrounded by her voice, no concern- it was as if she’d just asked out of sheer habit.
“Nothing.” He said turning to frontage her, trying to mask a sigh.
Avalie nodded obediently and lowered her head.
If single you could see what we we’ve all be fighting against Avalie, maybe after I’d get some feeling from you, m1 thought. These creatures are beyond even a twisted young girl’s imagination.
M1 sighed as he run his fingers along the pale bandages that masked his servant’s eyes. Fifteen long years the young girl have worked for him, not only as a servant but as his partner in combat yet single once had he seen those eyes. That was one of the reason he chose her to become his own Puppet. He just couldn’t say no to a face as innocent as hers.
“Do you dream up Noah will make the new boy his Puppet?” M1 asked, sliding his hand down to Avalie’s blond ice-cold cheek.
“Maybe... but they’ll never be as strong as us, Sir.”
M1 laughed stiffly. He and Avalie were undoubtedly an indomitable team. They bore such elegance, such beauty, such untouched power. With m1 as their eyes and Avalie as the completely willing sacrifice, they played their roles to perfection. But there was something else that shone next to m1 and Avalie, something other Puppet’s and their Master’s didn’t seem to have. There was a spark, a nouns greater than any other Puppet and Master. An almost kind of love.
But love is a pretty complex word.
It’s a word that can be used in many contexts.
It’s a word that should never be spoken between a Master and their Puppet.
M1 drew his mitt off his Puppet’s ice-cold skin. There was no style Avalie could feel any simple emotion- let alone something as difficult as love.
She was newly a doll.
But she was His doll.
“Sir, I think we’re nearly here”
M1 turned his head and drew enlarge the red silk curtains. Moonlight beamed through the window, illuminating the inside of the carriage. M1 be remarkably rich, yet he was so modest about it, individual flaunting his money when he needed to. His carriage was plain but dirty, maybe for a while lower-class than any other of its time. With the blood-red chairs and the murky windows, it was a surprise that any man would be seen surrounded by such transportation.
As soon as he worked out where he was, M1’s eyes lit up, his body jerked up. It be time for a complete character change- a man completely different to who he’d thought he was, a man as mad as the Hatter himself. M1 laugh and threw the top hat from the floor onto his head.
“Oh dear Ava, I believe your right.” As he spoke, his ghostly titter echoed through the carriage, “It’s time for our grand entrance!”
Answers:
I hold answered the same question that was put by Kelli. Are you alike person and if not how did you manage to write like thing word for word?
This is really good. If you hadn't stated it, I wouldn't have guessed you are thirteen. You come across to have an astounding grasp of the English language and a great understanding of sentence structure. Your story makes me want to keep reading. This a fantastic job, and please, hold on to going with it!
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Btw, please keep in mind i'm only 13
“I’m fine Sir, honest.” Avalie Cross said to her master contained by her usual melancholy tone. “It’s the poor boy I’m worried about- remember Noah’s last leading man? I don’t think anyone know where he went... last I hear he’d thrown himself into the Abyss”
M1 chuckled, lightly placing a warm hand on Avalie’s leg.
“Ah, the boy’s grown up serving a Cleven. I’m sure Noah will wind up up being no worse than his late brother.”
“Mmm...”
M1 smiled and looked out of the carriage pane at the night-shrouded street outside; he and his servant were on the road to a more than familiar destination- the Cleven household. He’d found himself become more and more entranced by the ominous wonders of the extraordinary mansion every time he even thought of the building, the waves of energy enticing his every sense, taunting him further and further in...
M1 have to admit, in all of his vivacity times he’d never seen a building like it. A building with such overcast wonders etched into every brick, such magic and mystery burned into its foundations. It was his own little wonderland, his escape. Once upon a time he would have given the world to own such a place.
But after m2 Cleven’s release, he found himself steering away from the building as much as possible. M2 after all had grown up in that house, he know all the rooms, he’d walked every hall all the same he still found himself at the mercy of nothing more than a mere shadows puppet.
How could you do that to yourself, m2? How could you let those nothings break you?
M1 shook his head and closed the horse-drawn carriage curtain, his smile slowly fading. The last thing he needed to deem about was m2, it was his defect those ‘nothings’ were actually amounting to a threat. It was his denounce he and Avalie were returning to that stained place.
“What’s wrong, Sir?” Avalie asked, hinting on her master’s sudden disturbance. There was once again no feeling surrounded by her voice, no concern- it was as if she’d just asked out of sheer habit.
“Nothing.” He said turning to frontage her, trying to mask a sigh.
Avalie nodded obediently and lowered her head.
If single you could see what we we’ve all be fighting against Avalie, maybe after I’d get some feeling from you, m1 thought. These creatures are beyond even a twisted young girl’s imagination.
M1 sighed as he run his fingers along the pale bandages that masked his servant’s eyes. Fifteen long years the young girl have worked for him, not only as a servant but as his partner in combat yet single once had he seen those eyes. That was one of the reason he chose her to become his own Puppet. He just couldn’t say no to a face as innocent as hers.
“Do you dream up Noah will make the new boy his Puppet?” M1 asked, sliding his hand down to Avalie’s blond ice-cold cheek.
“Maybe... but they’ll never be as strong as us, Sir.”
M1 laughed stiffly. He and Avalie were undoubtedly an indomitable team. They bore such elegance, such beauty, such untouched power. With m1 as their eyes and Avalie as the completely willing sacrifice, they played their roles to perfection. But there was something else that shone next to m1 and Avalie, something other Puppet’s and their Master’s didn’t seem to have. There was a spark, a nouns greater than any other Puppet and Master. An almost kind of love.
But love is a pretty complex word.
It’s a word that can be used in many contexts.
It’s a word that should never be spoken between a Master and their Puppet.
M1 drew his mitt off his Puppet’s ice-cold skin. There was no style Avalie could feel any simple emotion- let alone something as difficult as love.
She was newly a doll.
But she was His doll.
“Sir, I think we’re nearly here”
M1 turned his head and drew enlarge the red silk curtains. Moonlight beamed through the window, illuminating the inside of the carriage. M1 be remarkably rich, yet he was so modest about it, individual flaunting his money when he needed to. His carriage was plain but dirty, maybe for a while lower-class than any other of its time. With the blood-red chairs and the murky windows, it was a surprise that any man would be seen surrounded by such transportation.
As soon as he worked out where he was, M1’s eyes lit up, his body jerked up. It be time for a complete character change- a man completely different to who he’d thought he was, a man as mad as the Hatter himself. M1 laugh and threw the top hat from the floor onto his head.
“Oh dear Ava, I believe your right.” As he spoke, his ghostly titter echoed through the carriage, “It’s time for our grand entrance!”
Answers:
I hold answered the same question that was put by Kelli. Are you alike person and if not how did you manage to write like thing word for word?
This is really good. If you hadn't stated it, I wouldn't have guessed you are thirteen. You come across to have an astounding grasp of the English language and a great understanding of sentence structure. Your story makes me want to keep reading. This a fantastic job, and please, hold on to going with it!
Related Questions:
Can you endow with me links to websites next to information on William Faulkner?
Do you know of any websites that are magazine articles, newspaper articles, direct passages from books, or literary criticisms based on William Faulkner's style of writing, any social/political/economic events that influence his writing, or his influence on other literature, art, or social attitudes?Please oblige me...due tomorrow! Thanks! :D(Just paste...
What Are Some Good Romance Novels With Faeries/Elves/Dragons etc.?
I'm not really into the whole vampire love faze right now...But i'd love anything with Faeries, Elves, Witches, Dragons or Immortals. I've read Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare, Dark Heavens by Kylie Chan, almost everything by Gena Showalter and yeah :p I'd really appreciate it... City of Bones by Cassandra Clare-Clary,Sixteen years old...