What Do You Think (:?
I wrote this a while ago and just found it, so I'm curious to see what people think (:
Rain have begun to trickle across the canopy of the rain forest. I evaded trees and swooped over logs, practice help me move freely through the jungle. Tall trees shrouded above me as I came into view of the huts my people have constructed over the years. I raced over to meet my family.
“Emery,” Aditya said, his lips curved within the corner, forming a smirk.
“Oh, Emery!” Mother’s eyes were muffled with love and something else – worry. “We hold been so worried about you! Why do you keep running past its sell-by date like that?” Soon, my whole family be huddling around me. The urge to laugh sat at the top of my throat like a piece of food that be stuck, but I stopped myself.
“Mother, Father. Please, don’t worry about me. Just because I don’t –” I swallowed loudly and pressed on, “Have any abilities, does not formulate me incapable of wandering around.”
My father gave me a look that summed one thing up, I was human being immoral. “Emery, we would never say anything like that.” He notice the slight change in my expression. “Or mean anything approaching that. We were concerned.”
“I’m home now, aren’t I? Don’t worry roughly speaking me, I’ll be fine.” Raising my hand made them all amazed. “The run was worth it. I get heaps of Berries.” The colors of the round, plump fruit varied from electric greens to flamboyant purples.
This made my father nod in approval. “You may not have any ability, my dear. But you are one good hunter.” I nodded in appreciation, for my father, that be a big compliment.
Suddenly, my mother’s eyes widened as she examined me, “Emery!” She said something in a language didn’t infer and continued, “Look at your clothes!” Aditya, my obnoxious brother, begun to laugh as he also inspected me.
Glancing down, I realized what she have meant. My clothing was made up of animal hide, leaves and yelp, my mother could be very creative. But now, it had tears adjectives over it, along with little scratches on my bare arms and legs. Little twigs expanded from the long, squirt black frizz that was my hair, and that was solely what was visible to me, so I didn’t want to imagine the rest.
Mother flicked her tongue so that it made a ticking nouns and sighed, “I’ll have to make you some new ones. For in a minute you can borrow some of mine.” She began to saunter back into one of the seven huts, our home. “Come on, Emery.” She flicked her wrist towards me, a characteristic for me to follow.
Please, if you're just going to say 'I love it! I write more' or something like that, please don't. I would close to opinions and critics that can help me :)
Answers:
I don't think you used the word immoral properly when she was chitchat to her father. It can be used in that context... i guess but it just sounds a bit awkward.
I'd go put a bet on and make it Flow a bit it sounds a bit choppy in places
Other then that you've capture my attention continue to write and see if you can hold it.
i like it. i like the details, but u might want to explain when and where the story take place.
plz answer mine.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
You can sure write, it's not choppy or anything and it reads capably. Honestly there much i would change myself, just a few little things. In the second file where it says 'practice helped me...' it's a touch awkward. Maybe say 'practicing to help me' or 'the practice helping me' just to create it flow better.
I don't really understand either what it means when it vote 'I was being immoral', but that might just be a brain fart on my part of a set :)
And one more thing, if it continued i'd say that the undamaged abilities things would have to be explained before too long or society might get impatient.
Overall, you're a seriously good writer, I say hold on to it up!
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I obligation a apposite book to read-- not crap-- something along the lines of the parcels of Keats to Franny Brawne?
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Rain have begun to trickle across the canopy of the rain forest. I evaded trees and swooped over logs, practice help me move freely through the jungle. Tall trees shrouded above me as I came into view of the huts my people have constructed over the years. I raced over to meet my family.
“Emery,” Aditya said, his lips curved within the corner, forming a smirk.
“Oh, Emery!” Mother’s eyes were muffled with love and something else – worry. “We hold been so worried about you! Why do you keep running past its sell-by date like that?” Soon, my whole family be huddling around me. The urge to laugh sat at the top of my throat like a piece of food that be stuck, but I stopped myself.
“Mother, Father. Please, don’t worry about me. Just because I don’t –” I swallowed loudly and pressed on, “Have any abilities, does not formulate me incapable of wandering around.”
My father gave me a look that summed one thing up, I was human being immoral. “Emery, we would never say anything like that.” He notice the slight change in my expression. “Or mean anything approaching that. We were concerned.”
“I’m home now, aren’t I? Don’t worry roughly speaking me, I’ll be fine.” Raising my hand made them all amazed. “The run was worth it. I get heaps of Berries.” The colors of the round, plump fruit varied from electric greens to flamboyant purples.
This made my father nod in approval. “You may not have any ability, my dear. But you are one good hunter.” I nodded in appreciation, for my father, that be a big compliment.
Suddenly, my mother’s eyes widened as she examined me, “Emery!” She said something in a language didn’t infer and continued, “Look at your clothes!” Aditya, my obnoxious brother, begun to laugh as he also inspected me.
Glancing down, I realized what she have meant. My clothing was made up of animal hide, leaves and yelp, my mother could be very creative. But now, it had tears adjectives over it, along with little scratches on my bare arms and legs. Little twigs expanded from the long, squirt black frizz that was my hair, and that was solely what was visible to me, so I didn’t want to imagine the rest.
Mother flicked her tongue so that it made a ticking nouns and sighed, “I’ll have to make you some new ones. For in a minute you can borrow some of mine.” She began to saunter back into one of the seven huts, our home. “Come on, Emery.” She flicked her wrist towards me, a characteristic for me to follow.
Please, if you're just going to say 'I love it! I write more' or something like that, please don't. I would close to opinions and critics that can help me :)
Answers:
I don't think you used the word immoral properly when she was chitchat to her father. It can be used in that context... i guess but it just sounds a bit awkward.
I'd go put a bet on and make it Flow a bit it sounds a bit choppy in places
Other then that you've capture my attention continue to write and see if you can hold it.
i like it. i like the details, but u might want to explain when and where the story take place.
plz answer mine.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
You can sure write, it's not choppy or anything and it reads capably. Honestly there much i would change myself, just a few little things. In the second file where it says 'practice helped me...' it's a touch awkward. Maybe say 'practicing to help me' or 'the practice helping me' just to create it flow better.
I don't really understand either what it means when it vote 'I was being immoral', but that might just be a brain fart on my part of a set :)
And one more thing, if it continued i'd say that the undamaged abilities things would have to be explained before too long or society might get impatient.
Overall, you're a seriously good writer, I say hold on to it up!
Related Questions:
I requirement a prop for when I'm Ernest Hemingway.?
In history we are doing a 1920's party where you play the role of an important digit from the twenties. I have the outfit, but I need a prop, which can't be an article of clothing. So can you think of any item that would be dutiful for Ernest Hemingway? He was a big...
I obligation a apposite book to read-- not crap-- something along the lines of the parcels of Keats to Franny Brawne?
Or maybe a biography of Edith Wharton that talks about her affair next to Morton Fullerton? I need something GOOD to read. Maybe I am tired of fiction. All the fiction I have read is awful. The plots do not sufficiently hold...