Rate my first performance to my story please?
1-10 how good is my opening. I know a lot of it is not clear but I plan to answer question later in the story.
I ran faster than I have ever run before. How could they suspect me? I looked back only to see the cops turn the corner getting closer every step. I don’t judge I can out run them now. The envelope was in my inner coat pocket risk-free from pick pockets and unable to fall. I kept running but as I got slower it seem the cops got faster. I turned into the next alleyway. The police are hot on my trail. They are close enough to endorse me but I can’t lose hope yet.
I wish I knew where on earth I was. If I did I might be able to make it to the helicopter that be waiting at the docks. I had never been to Boston before so I wouldn’t know where on earth these docks are.
Just as I thought I had lost the cops I turned another corner; it was a dead expire. I could hear the cops whispering on the other side of the wall. They may think it is over but they don’t know who they are following. When the first man appeared I knocked him instantly near a metal pipe. Too bad I wasted such a brilliant attack on my partner Eli.
So I am sure you want to know the whole story by in a minute. I should probably start with the beginning.
“My name is Ava” I told the big man that be interviewing me.
“What are your skills?” he asked me in a bored tone. I could tell he thought I was shabby. I am sure I could knock him unconscious with one blow and haul him over a defile, but I kept that thought to myself.
“I can kill a man with my bare hand and easily use objects around me to get a job done. I can also revive comatose people and I am able to stalk people through an entire town.” I said hoping for a disobey. I love to prove my strength, especially to people who doubt my capabilities.
“You are finished with the open answers test. Now you must move on to the skills test.” He said near the same bored tone. He led me to a moving rug. It was similar to a conveyer belt. It stopped so that I could step on and then it sped off so fast that it knock me over. The ride was short but amazing, I am sure that I just past through partially of the undercover agency. The skills test was where I would own to fight and revive. This would be the best part off the interview. I am human being interviewed for my new job as a secret agent specializing contained by tracking terrorists. In short I am being interviewed by the UFTH’s (Undercover Federal Terrorist Hunters).
The carpet stopped and I opened the door into a shadows room. I was extremely alert in this new realm. I knew it was part of the skills exam and something was going to jump out and attack me eventually.
Answers:
I'll give it a 7/10 just because I spotted 1 sentence structure error and 2 logic errors.
That is awesome!
really well brought-up. could rephrase a few things. 8.5
I'm Hooked!
9.5
Nice hook. this is the kind of book I would similar to to read. 9.
7.....you made a typo 7th line from the bottom. best part OF not off the interview
8/10
ill answer like you answered mine :DO YOUR OWN FREAKING WORK
8/10 - great writing! i want to read more - you should put it on worthyofpublishing.com and then email me beside its name so i can find it, rate it, and subscribe to it! :)
here's the link to my book on there, if you want an model of what it's like:
http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/book.a…
You need to make sure you stay parallel. By that I mean, stay within one verb tense.
Ex: I ran as fast I could. I didn't deem they could catch up. (parallel)
Ex: I'm running as fast as I can. I don't think they can corner up. (parallel)
Ex:I ran as fast as I could. I don't think they can capture up. (WRONG)
Ex: I'm running as cast as I can. I didn't think they could catch up. (WRONG)
Other than that, the story seem appealing.
One more suggestion I have is to change "cops" to "Police". Cops is known as "slang" for police. Source(s): Experienced writer.
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Where can i submit story?
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I ran faster than I have ever run before. How could they suspect me? I looked back only to see the cops turn the corner getting closer every step. I don’t judge I can out run them now. The envelope was in my inner coat pocket risk-free from pick pockets and unable to fall. I kept running but as I got slower it seem the cops got faster. I turned into the next alleyway. The police are hot on my trail. They are close enough to endorse me but I can’t lose hope yet.
I wish I knew where on earth I was. If I did I might be able to make it to the helicopter that be waiting at the docks. I had never been to Boston before so I wouldn’t know where on earth these docks are.
Just as I thought I had lost the cops I turned another corner; it was a dead expire. I could hear the cops whispering on the other side of the wall. They may think it is over but they don’t know who they are following. When the first man appeared I knocked him instantly near a metal pipe. Too bad I wasted such a brilliant attack on my partner Eli.
So I am sure you want to know the whole story by in a minute. I should probably start with the beginning.
“My name is Ava” I told the big man that be interviewing me.
“What are your skills?” he asked me in a bored tone. I could tell he thought I was shabby. I am sure I could knock him unconscious with one blow and haul him over a defile, but I kept that thought to myself.
“I can kill a man with my bare hand and easily use objects around me to get a job done. I can also revive comatose people and I am able to stalk people through an entire town.” I said hoping for a disobey. I love to prove my strength, especially to people who doubt my capabilities.
“You are finished with the open answers test. Now you must move on to the skills test.” He said near the same bored tone. He led me to a moving rug. It was similar to a conveyer belt. It stopped so that I could step on and then it sped off so fast that it knock me over. The ride was short but amazing, I am sure that I just past through partially of the undercover agency. The skills test was where I would own to fight and revive. This would be the best part off the interview. I am human being interviewed for my new job as a secret agent specializing contained by tracking terrorists. In short I am being interviewed by the UFTH’s (Undercover Federal Terrorist Hunters).
The carpet stopped and I opened the door into a shadows room. I was extremely alert in this new realm. I knew it was part of the skills exam and something was going to jump out and attack me eventually.
Answers:
I'll give it a 7/10 just because I spotted 1 sentence structure error and 2 logic errors.
That is awesome!
really well brought-up. could rephrase a few things. 8.5
I'm Hooked!
9.5
Nice hook. this is the kind of book I would similar to to read. 9.
7.....you made a typo 7th line from the bottom. best part OF not off the interview
8/10
ill answer like you answered mine :DO YOUR OWN FREAKING WORK
8/10 - great writing! i want to read more - you should put it on worthyofpublishing.com and then email me beside its name so i can find it, rate it, and subscribe to it! :)
here's the link to my book on there, if you want an model of what it's like:
http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/book.a…
You need to make sure you stay parallel. By that I mean, stay within one verb tense.
Ex: I ran as fast I could. I didn't deem they could catch up. (parallel)
Ex: I'm running as fast as I can. I don't think they can corner up. (parallel)
Ex:I ran as fast as I could. I don't think they can capture up. (WRONG)
Ex: I'm running as cast as I can. I didn't think they could catch up. (WRONG)
Other than that, the story seem appealing.
One more suggestion I have is to change "cops" to "Police". Cops is known as "slang" for police. Source(s): Experienced writer.
Related Questions:
I enjoy 2 write a short gothic novel any design?
I have to write a short gothic novel for english,im really stuck and dont like anything i write any planning or tips would be great!! take a normal story you come up with and form it gothic- a love story, adventure, mystery, or any combination, and then make it gothic.you stipulation to define...
Where can i submit story?
is there any website where i can submit (publish) my story, and also got populace to comment on it? i asked indistinguishable thing heres what i got backwww.writing.comwww.worthyofpublishing.comwww.fictionpress.complus you could put parts of it here, i do that in a minute and agianbest of luck Hi. Do you read Reader's Digest? There are sections in the magazine...