Is this a Good Story?!??!?!??!?
I Stared at the door, I could hear Girls on the other side Gossiping and Giggling. I dropped My Suitcase onto the floor, The Sound of it dropping was covered by My Stomach's Rumbling, I fell onto My Bed and Sighed.
I took a Note out off my School Dress Pocket, "Sweetheart, If you are Reading this that means That your Father and I Have Passed Away, We Understand That you are Upset, But Honey, You own to Remember That We are always In your heart and Will Never, Ever Leave you Love Mum and Dad". I Couldn't Stop Staring at the Note, A Single, Lonely tear ran slowly down my Cold, Rasberry Cheek, I reach for a tissue on my nightstand to wipe it away, Then i heard a knock on the door. I quickly put the note wager on into my pocket, it was Ms. Bridges, The Head of the orphanage, and In Case you Haven't noticed i am an orphan. Ms.Bridges be the prettiest and kindest worker at the orphanage, most of the children felt safe around her, She always have her hair tied up in a small, neat bun and wore a short black dress, her white skin somehow made the room a bit colder everytime she walk in but she never seemed to notice. She peered her chief in through the door to see if I was Packed up. I could feel the room getting colder even though adjectives the windows were closed and it was the middle of summer but I didn't mind I like the cold. " Daphne are you Ready?"She asked. "Yeah, I guess I am" I mumbled." Okay, We leave in 15 minutes" she reminded me as if I haven't heard adjectives the other girls talking about it for the last I don't know, Week!
And guess how elderly the writer was
Answers:
Number one, this is not "excellent". This is average, maybe.
If I had to rate it from 1-10, 1 human being the worst possible and 10 being the best possible, I might give it a 3/4.
* You capitalize every other word. Only words such as "I" or beginnings of sentences should be capitalized, along with proper nouns.
* Your sentence structure is fundamentally repetitive. There's a lot of "she did this, she did that". Show, don't tell.
* Some of your sentences are run ons: "Ms.Bridges was the prettiest and kindest worker at the orphanage, most of the children feel safe around her, She always had her pelt tied up in a small, neat bun and wore a short black dress, her white skin somehow made the room a bit colder everytime she walked surrounded by but she never seemed to notice."
- That's way too long.
- "everytime" should be two words.
* Some of your comma placement is stale
* When you have a new speaker, start a new paragraph
Those are the facts of what I see here. Now for my belief: This was actually rather boring. I enjoy no care for your character or how he/she is feeling. If I saw this on a bookshelf, I would not verbs reading.
The good thing about this piece be that it's easy to see you have a lot of room for restructuring. Just shape up your grammar a little bit and you'll already be headed contained by the right direction.
From this passage alone, I'd say the writer was correctly young.
Good luck. :)
This is excellent. Way above the usual for stories placed on YA. I don't know if this is the beginning of the story, but there is an air of mystery since not everything is explained explicitly. But if it is the beginining, you might put surrounded by some minimal description about the location and setting. Is this the girl's room? What sort of orphanage is it? When does it take place. We can learn this immediately or later, but excellent start Source(s): Published writer of fiction and non-fiction.
The idea bringing up the rear it is interesting, but it needs a lot of work. First of all, why are so tons words capitalized? Second, when writing in the first person be careful not to start every sentence beside the word 'I.' Mix it up. For instance:
The girls on the other side of the door were gossipping and giggliing as I dropped my suitcase to the floor. My stomach was rumbling as I fell onto my bed and sighed, staring at the door.
The note doesn't seem to be realistic. The parents knew they were going to die? Did they commit suicide? Maybe be in motion into depth about what happened, something is missing here. You also wouldn't say 'raspberry cheek,' because if the raconteur is the main character, she can't see herself. You don't need to explain 'in baggage you haven't noticed, I am an orphan' because that's like stating the obvious. It doesn't breed sense to say her white skin makes the room colder. Or is she a ghost?
Where are they going? In the formation it sounds like she just arrived at the orphanage. So it just seem to cut off at the ending.
I'd guess the writer's about 12.
The note from her parents seems resembling some 'forced' writers convention that just doesn't work in this case. If they know they might die then shouldn't the note be longer? And if they only have a minute to scribble this thing than why waste it on establishing that they own passed and including an explaination, just get to the point.
I agree with Leigh you really inevitability to work on this piece beginning with something as simple as the capitalization.
The first answer is just lying to get best asnwer. As the second answerer said, this isn't remarkably good. In fact, I'd give it a 2/3 out of 10. Now, you may imagine I'm being harsh, and probably want to accept the first answer because he's proverb what you want to hear. But I am not trying to make a personal attack, self realisation is very important contained by writing a book.
Although it may be a minor thing, capitallising every other word is wrong. Words should only begin beside capital letters if they're at the beginning of a sentence, or if they're proper nouns (names of places, etc).
At the moment, this is hugely 2D. The image in my mind is like watching a nouns of things happen before me, which isn't very constructive. We should be feeling the emotion, realising her pain, audible range what she can hear, and even smelling what she can smell. Where you've gone wrong, is telling us the events rather than showing them to us. You need to be drawing upon the effect of an event, a bit than describing it happening.
For example, if I wanted to say; 'the moon be shining bright, but Alfy walked alone along the quiet road' I'd instead say; 'Alfy couldn't see anyone else within the street, amidst the somber glare of moonlight'. Do you see how I've exemplified the moonlight by making it relevant to the character?
Now let's look at yours. Instead of saying:
'I could hear Girls on the other side Gossiping and Giggling'
I would instead consider:
'I could hear a chatter of voice. They were happy, so why couldn't I be?'
Maybe that's a bit abstract, but it's up to you.
Anyway, the final thing is sentences approaching this;
'A Single, Lonely tear ran slowly down my Cold, Rasberry Cheek,'
This is one sure way of making your reader gag. You involve to be realistic. Saying that she felt tears well up within her eyes is good enough. Think about what you want your reader to acknowledge. Surely, by have her cry, you want the reader to feel sorry for her? This emotion can be triggered with going surrounded by to the detail you have.
Anyway, as I said at the beginning, It's up to you if you listen or not - but your work isn't very obedient. However, I do see some potential. It's clear that you care about your character seriously, and that you have thought about her story. Just keep on going, and you'll do great. Hopefully you'll look wager on on this one day, and laugh ;-)
Best wishes =) Source(s): Unlike the 1st response which is clearly a lie, I am a published writer. (well, it's individual printed, but all the final deals have be made ^^)
Related Questions:
I am Reading Around The World In 80 Days and My professor wishes to know why this book is considered a classic,?
Can someone give me a few reasons why this book is a classic. PLEASE HELP!! | It was written by the master of jaunt, Jules Verne. It has inspired movies. It has even inspired real the...
I took a Note out off my School Dress Pocket, "Sweetheart, If you are Reading this that means That your Father and I Have Passed Away, We Understand That you are Upset, But Honey, You own to Remember That We are always In your heart and Will Never, Ever Leave you Love Mum and Dad". I Couldn't Stop Staring at the Note, A Single, Lonely tear ran slowly down my Cold, Rasberry Cheek, I reach for a tissue on my nightstand to wipe it away, Then i heard a knock on the door. I quickly put the note wager on into my pocket, it was Ms. Bridges, The Head of the orphanage, and In Case you Haven't noticed i am an orphan. Ms.Bridges be the prettiest and kindest worker at the orphanage, most of the children felt safe around her, She always have her hair tied up in a small, neat bun and wore a short black dress, her white skin somehow made the room a bit colder everytime she walk in but she never seemed to notice. She peered her chief in through the door to see if I was Packed up. I could feel the room getting colder even though adjectives the windows were closed and it was the middle of summer but I didn't mind I like the cold. " Daphne are you Ready?"She asked. "Yeah, I guess I am" I mumbled." Okay, We leave in 15 minutes" she reminded me as if I haven't heard adjectives the other girls talking about it for the last I don't know, Week!
And guess how elderly the writer was
Answers:
Number one, this is not "excellent". This is average, maybe.
If I had to rate it from 1-10, 1 human being the worst possible and 10 being the best possible, I might give it a 3/4.
* You capitalize every other word. Only words such as "I" or beginnings of sentences should be capitalized, along with proper nouns.
* Your sentence structure is fundamentally repetitive. There's a lot of "she did this, she did that". Show, don't tell.
* Some of your sentences are run ons: "Ms.Bridges was the prettiest and kindest worker at the orphanage, most of the children feel safe around her, She always had her pelt tied up in a small, neat bun and wore a short black dress, her white skin somehow made the room a bit colder everytime she walked surrounded by but she never seemed to notice."
- That's way too long.
- "everytime" should be two words.
* Some of your comma placement is stale
* When you have a new speaker, start a new paragraph
Those are the facts of what I see here. Now for my belief: This was actually rather boring. I enjoy no care for your character or how he/she is feeling. If I saw this on a bookshelf, I would not verbs reading.
The good thing about this piece be that it's easy to see you have a lot of room for restructuring. Just shape up your grammar a little bit and you'll already be headed contained by the right direction.
From this passage alone, I'd say the writer was correctly young.
Good luck. :)
This is excellent. Way above the usual for stories placed on YA. I don't know if this is the beginning of the story, but there is an air of mystery since not everything is explained explicitly. But if it is the beginining, you might put surrounded by some minimal description about the location and setting. Is this the girl's room? What sort of orphanage is it? When does it take place. We can learn this immediately or later, but excellent start Source(s): Published writer of fiction and non-fiction.
The idea bringing up the rear it is interesting, but it needs a lot of work. First of all, why are so tons words capitalized? Second, when writing in the first person be careful not to start every sentence beside the word 'I.' Mix it up. For instance:
The girls on the other side of the door were gossipping and giggliing as I dropped my suitcase to the floor. My stomach was rumbling as I fell onto my bed and sighed, staring at the door.
The note doesn't seem to be realistic. The parents knew they were going to die? Did they commit suicide? Maybe be in motion into depth about what happened, something is missing here. You also wouldn't say 'raspberry cheek,' because if the raconteur is the main character, she can't see herself. You don't need to explain 'in baggage you haven't noticed, I am an orphan' because that's like stating the obvious. It doesn't breed sense to say her white skin makes the room colder. Or is she a ghost?
Where are they going? In the formation it sounds like she just arrived at the orphanage. So it just seem to cut off at the ending.
I'd guess the writer's about 12.
The note from her parents seems resembling some 'forced' writers convention that just doesn't work in this case. If they know they might die then shouldn't the note be longer? And if they only have a minute to scribble this thing than why waste it on establishing that they own passed and including an explaination, just get to the point.
I agree with Leigh you really inevitability to work on this piece beginning with something as simple as the capitalization.
The first answer is just lying to get best asnwer. As the second answerer said, this isn't remarkably good. In fact, I'd give it a 2/3 out of 10. Now, you may imagine I'm being harsh, and probably want to accept the first answer because he's proverb what you want to hear. But I am not trying to make a personal attack, self realisation is very important contained by writing a book.
Although it may be a minor thing, capitallising every other word is wrong. Words should only begin beside capital letters if they're at the beginning of a sentence, or if they're proper nouns (names of places, etc).
At the moment, this is hugely 2D. The image in my mind is like watching a nouns of things happen before me, which isn't very constructive. We should be feeling the emotion, realising her pain, audible range what she can hear, and even smelling what she can smell. Where you've gone wrong, is telling us the events rather than showing them to us. You need to be drawing upon the effect of an event, a bit than describing it happening.
For example, if I wanted to say; 'the moon be shining bright, but Alfy walked alone along the quiet road' I'd instead say; 'Alfy couldn't see anyone else within the street, amidst the somber glare of moonlight'. Do you see how I've exemplified the moonlight by making it relevant to the character?
Now let's look at yours. Instead of saying:
'I could hear Girls on the other side Gossiping and Giggling'
I would instead consider:
'I could hear a chatter of voice. They were happy, so why couldn't I be?'
Maybe that's a bit abstract, but it's up to you.
Anyway, the final thing is sentences approaching this;
'A Single, Lonely tear ran slowly down my Cold, Rasberry Cheek,'
This is one sure way of making your reader gag. You involve to be realistic. Saying that she felt tears well up within her eyes is good enough. Think about what you want your reader to acknowledge. Surely, by have her cry, you want the reader to feel sorry for her? This emotion can be triggered with going surrounded by to the detail you have.
Anyway, as I said at the beginning, It's up to you if you listen or not - but your work isn't very obedient. However, I do see some potential. It's clear that you care about your character seriously, and that you have thought about her story. Just keep on going, and you'll do great. Hopefully you'll look wager on on this one day, and laugh ;-)
Best wishes =) Source(s): Unlike the 1st response which is clearly a lie, I am a published writer. (well, it's individual printed, but all the final deals have be made ^^)
Related Questions:
I am Reading Around The World In 80 Days and My professor wishes to know why this book is considered a classic,?
Can someone give me a few reasons why this book is a classic. PLEASE HELP!! | It was written by the master of jaunt, Jules Verne. It has inspired movies. It has even inspired real the...