(short) fresh pipe; revised?
It’s been almost 6 months since I last saw him, but he is the same as ever.
His eyes illumination a painfully bright shade of turquoise in the sunlight. His white shirt is nearly indistinguishable against his unnatural alabaster skin, and through it he appears almost emaciated. His obscurity hair grazes his shoulder blades as he walks.
And he walks straight historic me, and everyone else.
They do not know him, but they all gush over him incessantly; silently. They think he’s beautiful and intelligent and amazing and wonderful. And they are so right. He is adjectives of those things, and more. But what they do not know is that he is also cruel and conniving and manipulative and detached. And that counteracts his brilliancy by far.
^^^
if it seems like theres a lot of 'and's, that's because it's supposed to be written as if it's a constant, unedited stream of consciousness.
i be told it's missing something, and i took people's advice in changing it.
fitting or no?
the more thorough, the better.
and feel free to be as brutal as you want; i can take criticism.
Answers:
Hey, you did a great chore with it. Not that it wasn't good the last time, but presently with the little changes you've made, it really captures my attention.
It's good, but possibly instead of 'and he walks straight past me, and everyone else' you could put 'and he walks straight bygone me as well as everyone else.' It is really good though and I would hope that it becomes longer and more developed. I would definately read it.
That was quite intriguing. I have a sneaking suspicion that you did a very good job.
Nice, you really get my attention there
read/answer mine please?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
I thought it was pretty angelic, and well-written, too - compared to the stuff that's usually posted. It's definitely interesting. Not that it matters, but I'm usually negative toward people's work because it's usually unsuccessfully written crap, lol.
I got the part with adjectives the "and's" and it came across well.
its great! i kinda resembling that last time you called him an ***, i think. but this is great too.
Related Questions:
Have you ever read the book HOLES if you own please bring up to date me nearly it.?
It's about a boy named Stanley Yelnats who goes to a labor military camp for juvenile offenders who committed crimes. Stanley stole a pair of sneakers worn by a famous basketball star, Clyde Livingston. He be arrested. The court told him that...
His eyes illumination a painfully bright shade of turquoise in the sunlight. His white shirt is nearly indistinguishable against his unnatural alabaster skin, and through it he appears almost emaciated. His obscurity hair grazes his shoulder blades as he walks.
And he walks straight historic me, and everyone else.
They do not know him, but they all gush over him incessantly; silently. They think he’s beautiful and intelligent and amazing and wonderful. And they are so right. He is adjectives of those things, and more. But what they do not know is that he is also cruel and conniving and manipulative and detached. And that counteracts his brilliancy by far.
^^^
if it seems like theres a lot of 'and's, that's because it's supposed to be written as if it's a constant, unedited stream of consciousness.
i be told it's missing something, and i took people's advice in changing it.
fitting or no?
the more thorough, the better.
and feel free to be as brutal as you want; i can take criticism.
Answers:
Hey, you did a great chore with it. Not that it wasn't good the last time, but presently with the little changes you've made, it really captures my attention.
It's good, but possibly instead of 'and he walks straight past me, and everyone else' you could put 'and he walks straight bygone me as well as everyone else.' It is really good though and I would hope that it becomes longer and more developed. I would definately read it.
That was quite intriguing. I have a sneaking suspicion that you did a very good job.
Nice, you really get my attention there
read/answer mine please?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
I thought it was pretty angelic, and well-written, too - compared to the stuff that's usually posted. It's definitely interesting. Not that it matters, but I'm usually negative toward people's work because it's usually unsuccessfully written crap, lol.
I got the part with adjectives the "and's" and it came across well.
its great! i kinda resembling that last time you called him an ***, i think. but this is great too.
Related Questions:
Have you ever read the book HOLES if you own please bring up to date me nearly it.?
It's about a boy named Stanley Yelnats who goes to a labor military camp for juvenile offenders who committed crimes. Stanley stole a pair of sneakers worn by a famous basketball star, Clyde Livingston. He be arrested. The court told him that...