Is this A angelic Beginning!?
This is a story I am writing for a contest first prize is $200 which I really want (: So please tell me what is wrong and what is amazing about this story thanks
Sam
I be devastated. I couldn’t explain how I feel right now. I was lying within the large, black leather couch almost brain dead. I couldn’t blink or move. I may have looked inorganic on the outside but on the inside I was trembling, staggering for the right words to say next. At, this moment I option he had never boarded that plane. That he never wanted to fight for the country but I know if he had that kind of chance he would never endow with it up. My brother, Thomas was just that kind of human being. I could remember the day he told us he was going off to period of war. He didn’t hover or stall he just got it out and staring packing his bags. The house be so quiet for the days remaining till he left the house. My mom almost wouldn’t let stir of his hand as his plane number was called. The sports car ride back was so silent. But, this silence is much worse. I can remember the moment I was told so pure and clear but I didn’t want to.
Answers:
okay i like the idea but i think here is a lot you can do. i am going to add to it a little bit if that's okay in recent times to help. Im thirteen and love writing so any help u need of late add to what you have said.
I was devastated, lying on the substantial, black leather couch, a million things running through my mind. I was almost as still as the silence that engulfed the household. Despite my lack of movement, i considered necessary to jump up and run, far away from it all. At, that moment I wished he have never boarded that plane. That he never wanted to fight for the country. But, I knew he would not hold given it up for anything. My brother, Thomas was just that kind of creature. Stubborn but lovable in an indescribable way. I remember the day he told us the report. "I want to fight. Im going off to war." he announced, standing surrounded by the living room. He did’t hover or stall he just got it out and began packing. The house be silent for the days remaining till he left the house. My mother tightly gripped his hand as his plane was call, her knuckles turning white. The car ride back was so peace. But, this silence screamed at me. It told me it was my fault, i shouldn't enjoy let him go. A million voices echo in my ears. My eyes shot open, and I sprung off of the couch I run to my mother room where she lay, sleeping in her room. Sleeping soundly, escaping the reality that would favourite place us the rest of our lives. He was gone.
It is a good starting point. The only suggestions I have are to pick a tense and stick next to it. ie: "I was devastated. I couldn't explain how I feel right now." Do you show "I am devastated. I can't explain how I feel right now," or "I was devastated. I can't explain how I feel when it happened." Stick to the same tense throughout the paragraph.
The second suggestion is to not to use words similar to 'til'. Go ahead and spell out the words and use correct punctuation.
Good luck!
You are disappointingly in need of an editor. This is just riddled next to grammatical errors and poor sentence structures. You even mix up your tenses in the same sentence. "I couldn't explain how I feel right now". That sentence contains both long-gone (couldn't) and present (right now) tenses. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't work as a sentence. Also, in the third sentence, you should say "lay on", not "lying in". You cannot lie in a sofa unless you are literally inside the cushions. Also, the way you work within the description of the couch makes the details completely superfluous. In the next sentence, you say that you are "staggering" for the right words to read out next. You cannot stagger for words. You can search for them.
Ok, I hope you don't mind, but I've edited the paragraph for you, just cleaned up a few things and reworded some awkward sentences. I hope it help.
--------------------------------------…
I was devastated. I can't possibly explain how I felt. I lay, motionless, on a large black leather couch, practically comatose. I couldn't even blink or move. Though I looked inorganic on the outside, I was trembling on the inside, desperately searching for the right words. I had no concept what to say. I wished he had never boarded that plane. That he have never enlisted, never wanted to fight for his country. But I know Thomas. If he had that kind of chance, he would never offer it up. He was just that kind of human being. I can remember the day he told us he was leaving. He didn't draw it out - he basically told us, and started packing his bags. He was going to war. In the remaining days beforehand he left, the house was so quiet. My mom held onto his foot as his plane number was called, clutching on to it and not wanting to let travel. Though the days before he left were silent, the vehicle ride home was even more so. This silence was so much worse. I can remember the moment I was told near perfect clarity. But I don't want to remember. I wish I could forget.
Related Questions:
Is in that a movie base on Stephen King's book Desperation?
Yes, there was a made for TV Movie in 2006. I in actuality watched a little bit of it. Here is the info for the mvie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0129871/ **Someone put the movie up on yahoo video: http://uk.video.yahoo.com/watch/5348262
Sam
I be devastated. I couldn’t explain how I feel right now. I was lying within the large, black leather couch almost brain dead. I couldn’t blink or move. I may have looked inorganic on the outside but on the inside I was trembling, staggering for the right words to say next. At, this moment I option he had never boarded that plane. That he never wanted to fight for the country but I know if he had that kind of chance he would never endow with it up. My brother, Thomas was just that kind of human being. I could remember the day he told us he was going off to period of war. He didn’t hover or stall he just got it out and staring packing his bags. The house be so quiet for the days remaining till he left the house. My mom almost wouldn’t let stir of his hand as his plane number was called. The sports car ride back was so silent. But, this silence is much worse. I can remember the moment I was told so pure and clear but I didn’t want to.
Answers:
okay i like the idea but i think here is a lot you can do. i am going to add to it a little bit if that's okay in recent times to help. Im thirteen and love writing so any help u need of late add to what you have said.
I was devastated, lying on the substantial, black leather couch, a million things running through my mind. I was almost as still as the silence that engulfed the household. Despite my lack of movement, i considered necessary to jump up and run, far away from it all. At, that moment I wished he have never boarded that plane. That he never wanted to fight for the country. But, I knew he would not hold given it up for anything. My brother, Thomas was just that kind of creature. Stubborn but lovable in an indescribable way. I remember the day he told us the report. "I want to fight. Im going off to war." he announced, standing surrounded by the living room. He did’t hover or stall he just got it out and began packing. The house be silent for the days remaining till he left the house. My mother tightly gripped his hand as his plane was call, her knuckles turning white. The car ride back was so peace. But, this silence screamed at me. It told me it was my fault, i shouldn't enjoy let him go. A million voices echo in my ears. My eyes shot open, and I sprung off of the couch I run to my mother room where she lay, sleeping in her room. Sleeping soundly, escaping the reality that would favourite place us the rest of our lives. He was gone.
It is a good starting point. The only suggestions I have are to pick a tense and stick next to it. ie: "I was devastated. I couldn't explain how I feel right now." Do you show "I am devastated. I can't explain how I feel right now," or "I was devastated. I can't explain how I feel when it happened." Stick to the same tense throughout the paragraph.
The second suggestion is to not to use words similar to 'til'. Go ahead and spell out the words and use correct punctuation.
Good luck!
You are disappointingly in need of an editor. This is just riddled next to grammatical errors and poor sentence structures. You even mix up your tenses in the same sentence. "I couldn't explain how I feel right now". That sentence contains both long-gone (couldn't) and present (right now) tenses. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't work as a sentence. Also, in the third sentence, you should say "lay on", not "lying in". You cannot lie in a sofa unless you are literally inside the cushions. Also, the way you work within the description of the couch makes the details completely superfluous. In the next sentence, you say that you are "staggering" for the right words to read out next. You cannot stagger for words. You can search for them.
Ok, I hope you don't mind, but I've edited the paragraph for you, just cleaned up a few things and reworded some awkward sentences. I hope it help.
--------------------------------------…
I was devastated. I can't possibly explain how I felt. I lay, motionless, on a large black leather couch, practically comatose. I couldn't even blink or move. Though I looked inorganic on the outside, I was trembling on the inside, desperately searching for the right words. I had no concept what to say. I wished he had never boarded that plane. That he have never enlisted, never wanted to fight for his country. But I know Thomas. If he had that kind of chance, he would never offer it up. He was just that kind of human being. I can remember the day he told us he was leaving. He didn't draw it out - he basically told us, and started packing his bags. He was going to war. In the remaining days beforehand he left, the house was so quiet. My mom held onto his foot as his plane number was called, clutching on to it and not wanting to let travel. Though the days before he left were silent, the vehicle ride home was even more so. This silence was so much worse. I can remember the moment I was told near perfect clarity. But I don't want to remember. I wish I could forget.
Related Questions:
Is in that a movie base on Stephen King's book Desperation?
Yes, there was a made for TV Movie in 2006. I in actuality watched a little bit of it. Here is the info for the mvie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0129871/ **Someone put the movie up on yahoo video: http://uk.video.yahoo.com/watch/5348262