Could I hold come criticism on this paragraph of my story?
Johannes pulled himself up to his feet trying not to anger his father anymore. His right hand was clamped over his vanished shoulder to try and stop the bleeding.
"I'll take her away. Father, please." Wheezed Johannes as he saw his father's fingers stroke his pistol
"Is she German or is she Jewish?" snapped the General as she grabbed Anke by the hair surrounded by one hand and held his pistol to her head with the other.
Johannes looked at his father, dread occupied his body as his father started to put pressure onto the trigger.
"Tell him." Shouted Anke before she shut her eyes, she whole face screwed up near fear.
"She's German. Anke is just a nickname between the two of us, close to how she calls me Josef." Lied Johannes
The General let go of Anke who fell to her knees contained by tears from almost being shot.
"If you ever lie to me or come in here again I will enjoy you both sent to a work camp, understood." Shouted The General before departing
Once he left Johannes walked to Anke and knelt subsequent to her. They both silently sat on the floor together as Anke tended to the wound on his shoulder. Johannes watched as she silently tipped the vodka from his father's drink's cabinet onto one of her socks and afterwards dabbed it on his shoulder to remove the dried blood off his skin and to clean the wound.
"I'm sorry. I should hold never got you involved." Whispered Anke as she started to rip the bottom off her petticoat
"Don't be. Don't rip your petticoat; there are bandage in the cupboard. Mother's sent me to get them before." Said Johannes placing his hand on her's
"I'm scared. Scared everything is going to come back to haunt me."
"I've be scared every day since my father became a common, he treats me and my mother like slaves. Doing this with you, makes me no longer panicky because I'm with you. I love you Anke and I want to see things change, be the resistance. Run away from the regime, unshackle the people, and kill the bastards in organization."
"I'm murdering no one. This wound is making you delirious. I'm all for liberating the people and ruining the regime but I'm not sinking to their rank. They are murdering innocent lives; even if they deserve it I couldn't do it."
As she finished bandaging the wound, Anke looked at his torso and saw old scars, bruises and cuts.
"His father is beating him" thought Anke as she run her fingers through his hair.
"I never knew-"
"Don't. Don't say you're sorry for me because he's been defeat me. I'd rather he attack me than hurt anyone else I care about." Interrupted Johannes
Anke nod as she saw his eyes brim with tears before she kissed him.
Also does the ending nouns too soppy?
The extract is later on in the story. The whole story is set contained by the 1930's in Nazi Germany.
Answers:
It's good, but it comes across as a little melodramatic.
Every piece of dialogue is flowing next to sap, so it loses its impact.
You'd be better off with shorter pieces of dialogue, and give your characters a arbitrariness to react to things that are said.
For example, instead of:
____________________
"I never knew-"
"Don't. Don't say you're sorry for me because he's been hitting me. I'd rather he attack me than hurt anyone else I care about." Interrupted Johannes.
Anke nod as she saw his eyes brim with tears before she kissed him.
____________________
Give the characters a chance to interact realistically, and slow down the conversation.
____________________
Anke touched his frontage.
"I never knew-"
He abruptly pushed her hand away.
"Don't," he glared at her next to a defiant scowl. "Don't say you're sorry for me."
"But, your father. Josef, have he been-"
"Beating me?"
He looked away, ashamed.
"Yes," he confessed.
She returned her hand onto his head, stroking his hair placidly, and this time he let it stay.
"I'd rather let him attack me than hurt anyone else I protection about."
As Anke saw his eyes begin to brim with tears, she leaned surrounded by and kissed him.
____________________
OK, you can probably do better than that, but the point is that you want to give your reader a chance to experience the moment. You have time. Don't rush it.
* * * * * *
Also, Roland s seriously misguided. All Germans did not detestation the Jews during WW2!
The truth was, most Germans despised the SS more than the Jews, and most of what they allowed was done so out of fear. (If you interfered beside Jews being rounded up, they'd just as quickly shoot you on the spot or be paid you join them, so really quickly word spreads and people stay out of it.)
I assume your story is quite realistic. Source(s): My grandfather was that age during WW2, and I hear plenty of stories growing up. It was a good balance to the independent propaganda we learn in school. And he have photos to prove it, and I even got confirmation on his stories from relatives in Germany.
I one-sidedly think you need to do a bit more research, because the story did not sound believable. Unless Johannes is approaching 12 years old or something. He is believable as either a young boy or as a woman. But not as a man. He does not step, talk, think or act similar to a man, especially a man from the testosterone-fueled early 20th century. And how is it that he doesn't hate Jews? His family, his religion, his state, his culture, his class and his peer group adjectives hate them, and all the literature, propaganda and entertainment of the time hated them. So, his attitude is call "anachronistic." You have to explain it.
To be honest, i liked it, a lot. I hold no idea what it was like final then, so i haven't got a clue. But i thought it was really interesting, the adrenaline as you wonder whether he is going to verbs the trigger or not, i personally think you should milk that bit, in other words, take home it longer, as your readers will want to read on, so just try to elongate the adrenaline rushing paragraphs ...
Related Questions:
Would you fairly read a book that...?
makes you laugh, makes you cry, or make you envious of the fictional characters lives? tehee, i don't know where that last one come from, but... :) | All three would be nice all of themmm but i guess if u want a specific answer here's the order: Makes me laugh Makes...
"I'll take her away. Father, please." Wheezed Johannes as he saw his father's fingers stroke his pistol
"Is she German or is she Jewish?" snapped the General as she grabbed Anke by the hair surrounded by one hand and held his pistol to her head with the other.
Johannes looked at his father, dread occupied his body as his father started to put pressure onto the trigger.
"Tell him." Shouted Anke before she shut her eyes, she whole face screwed up near fear.
"She's German. Anke is just a nickname between the two of us, close to how she calls me Josef." Lied Johannes
The General let go of Anke who fell to her knees contained by tears from almost being shot.
"If you ever lie to me or come in here again I will enjoy you both sent to a work camp, understood." Shouted The General before departing
Once he left Johannes walked to Anke and knelt subsequent to her. They both silently sat on the floor together as Anke tended to the wound on his shoulder. Johannes watched as she silently tipped the vodka from his father's drink's cabinet onto one of her socks and afterwards dabbed it on his shoulder to remove the dried blood off his skin and to clean the wound.
"I'm sorry. I should hold never got you involved." Whispered Anke as she started to rip the bottom off her petticoat
"Don't be. Don't rip your petticoat; there are bandage in the cupboard. Mother's sent me to get them before." Said Johannes placing his hand on her's
"I'm scared. Scared everything is going to come back to haunt me."
"I've be scared every day since my father became a common, he treats me and my mother like slaves. Doing this with you, makes me no longer panicky because I'm with you. I love you Anke and I want to see things change, be the resistance. Run away from the regime, unshackle the people, and kill the bastards in organization."
"I'm murdering no one. This wound is making you delirious. I'm all for liberating the people and ruining the regime but I'm not sinking to their rank. They are murdering innocent lives; even if they deserve it I couldn't do it."
As she finished bandaging the wound, Anke looked at his torso and saw old scars, bruises and cuts.
"His father is beating him" thought Anke as she run her fingers through his hair.
"I never knew-"
"Don't. Don't say you're sorry for me because he's been defeat me. I'd rather he attack me than hurt anyone else I care about." Interrupted Johannes
Anke nod as she saw his eyes brim with tears before she kissed him.
Also does the ending nouns too soppy?
The extract is later on in the story. The whole story is set contained by the 1930's in Nazi Germany.
Answers:
It's good, but it comes across as a little melodramatic.
Every piece of dialogue is flowing next to sap, so it loses its impact.
You'd be better off with shorter pieces of dialogue, and give your characters a arbitrariness to react to things that are said.
For example, instead of:
____________________
"I never knew-"
"Don't. Don't say you're sorry for me because he's been hitting me. I'd rather he attack me than hurt anyone else I care about." Interrupted Johannes.
Anke nod as she saw his eyes brim with tears before she kissed him.
____________________
Give the characters a chance to interact realistically, and slow down the conversation.
____________________
Anke touched his frontage.
"I never knew-"
He abruptly pushed her hand away.
"Don't," he glared at her next to a defiant scowl. "Don't say you're sorry for me."
"But, your father. Josef, have he been-"
"Beating me?"
He looked away, ashamed.
"Yes," he confessed.
She returned her hand onto his head, stroking his hair placidly, and this time he let it stay.
"I'd rather let him attack me than hurt anyone else I protection about."
As Anke saw his eyes begin to brim with tears, she leaned surrounded by and kissed him.
____________________
OK, you can probably do better than that, but the point is that you want to give your reader a chance to experience the moment. You have time. Don't rush it.
* * * * * *
Also, Roland s seriously misguided. All Germans did not detestation the Jews during WW2!
The truth was, most Germans despised the SS more than the Jews, and most of what they allowed was done so out of fear. (If you interfered beside Jews being rounded up, they'd just as quickly shoot you on the spot or be paid you join them, so really quickly word spreads and people stay out of it.)
I assume your story is quite realistic. Source(s): My grandfather was that age during WW2, and I hear plenty of stories growing up. It was a good balance to the independent propaganda we learn in school. And he have photos to prove it, and I even got confirmation on his stories from relatives in Germany.
I one-sidedly think you need to do a bit more research, because the story did not sound believable. Unless Johannes is approaching 12 years old or something. He is believable as either a young boy or as a woman. But not as a man. He does not step, talk, think or act similar to a man, especially a man from the testosterone-fueled early 20th century. And how is it that he doesn't hate Jews? His family, his religion, his state, his culture, his class and his peer group adjectives hate them, and all the literature, propaganda and entertainment of the time hated them. So, his attitude is call "anachronistic." You have to explain it.
To be honest, i liked it, a lot. I hold no idea what it was like final then, so i haven't got a clue. But i thought it was really interesting, the adrenaline as you wonder whether he is going to verbs the trigger or not, i personally think you should milk that bit, in other words, take home it longer, as your readers will want to read on, so just try to elongate the adrenaline rushing paragraphs ...
Related Questions:
Would you fairly read a book that...?
makes you laugh, makes you cry, or make you envious of the fictional characters lives? tehee, i don't know where that last one come from, but... :) | All three would be nice all of themmm but i guess if u want a specific answer here's the order: Makes me laugh Makes...