What do you mull over of the first performance of my story?
i'm on my second chapter now but i wanna know what you think of the first part of it :) associates tell me something about my grammar is desperate? (i think it's my grammar, cant remember properly) i'mm 13 so i haven't learnt that much just about it :D anyway here you goo! ;
Chapter 1, Different.
My life had always be the same routine. I would get up in the morning receive washed and dressed, eat my breakfast, pack my bag for college and walk there. It wasn’t really worth all the hassle, I really didn’t necessitate to go to school. My life wasn’t how you read nearly in stories. It wasn’t perfect and always have a happy ending. No, I was never destined to own a happy ending was I? But I be still determined that I would. I don’t live in a normal world, I live in a pretend world. The type where people can fly and have ‘heat vision’, or can even see into the adjectives. The type where you dreamed about living, your dream heaven. The place where on earth you wished upon a star and it all came true, near one exception-Me.
I was the type of girl who couldn’t do anything special, I couldn’t fly or see into the future. I was a short time ago the girl who did, nothing.
The one who was always picked on the netball squad last, the one who always never seemed to enjoy a partner because there was always an ‘odd’ amount of inhabitants. The one who just walked around at lunch watching the others have race, watching the others flying, showing off, having fun. I was other the loner.
Days seemed to start going as fast as minutes, and soon I was surrounded by Year 9, and yet again I was the loner. Just, A girl. A freak.
Things changed when Alex joined academy though. He was different too, but not different the same as me. I mean, he be different from the rest of them, he didn’t think of me as a freak, he didn’t bully me or call me names. In reality, he was the complete opposite. The first person he talk to when he joined school was me, the human being he chose to sit next to in class was me (even though in attendance were a number of prettier girls, and talented boys) the first party he chose to ever partner up with was, me.
This boy obviously didn’t become conscious what was wrong with me.
It wasn’t just my insufficiency of powers that made me different to the others, I looked different too. I had rose red hair and grass green eyes, I had a wan face and about a million freckles, my lips be a thin line that never smiled and I was too short.
All the other girls contained by class had beautiful hair, blonde or brown, black or blue. They have brown eyes and green eyes, some even had hazel. They didn’t have freckles they had make-up marks that matched their perfectly tanned skin, they have full plump lips that wore bright red or pink lipstick. Which parted into the most whitest of smiles, and yes, they were adjectives so tall.
Alex was like them too, he have light blonde hair with hazel eyes, he have a dazzling smile with the whitest of teeth. I must have came up to his shoulder, even so he didn’t have the same skin colour as them. His wasn’t as pale as mine, but it wasn’t as suntanned as theirs, and there was some part within me that light up inside when he smiled at me. Perhaps this boy doesn’t have powers too, I thought, perhaps he’s exactly approaching me.
All hope inside me was burnt out when the teacher announced him to the class.
“Right settle down you lot!” She shouted.
Everyone turned around to look towards the front, assessing the topical boy, looking him up and down. Even I looked up, instead of keeping my face down to avoid the embarrassment when the boy noticed me. I saw girls smile and receive space for him to set next to him, hoping to get there claws into him.
“This is Alex Crest, he is tentative to the school and he will be in most of your classes, for some of you,” I saw her eyes flicker towards me, even the Ms. Branningdale did not care for me, “He have the ability to relax the atmosphere around him, go on show them Alex.”
I sighed, he was simply another one of them. This was just another boy, I told myself, another one to add to the other two-thousand and ninety two who dislike you. I frowned as Ms. Branningdale go and sat on her desk to watch him. This was lately another normal introduction, let the boy speak, show his powers, and let him choose where on earth to sit (which would be next to one of the girls, like when Jamie first started, he slid right inbetween the two prettiest girls and casually flung his arms around them. They both melt into his arms).
“Actually miss, I like to use my abilities for a reason, not basically to show.” He said.
“Oh,” Her eyes widened at the thought “Well, I cannot make you, well, in fact I can. But I will not, take a seat.”
Alex grinned at her, it was an eccentric sort-of smile, his teeth weren’t precisely white and his lips weren’t really plump, still he was totally and utterly pretty like the rest of them. Actually, speck that, he was beautiful.
Alex turned and looked straight at me, I looked down right away and heard him insubstantially stepping over to me. I thought he was going to whisper into my ear and call me a fre
Answers:
it's really moral!! i like all the descriptions, well done! really biddable for your age! :)
thanks 4 answering mine :
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind…
Wow , for 13 ur gr8. itz something i wuld truly read, i'm 15 and i write as well nd i fink ur reli gd. keep writing.(Y)
i wanna reaad more now :D
i think it's biddable. there are a couple of spelling/grammatical/punctuation mistakes but nothing unfixable. it should be 'they got out THEIR mirrors. i dont in particular like the portrayal of red head/green eyed people being freaks (one of my best mate has long curly red hair, green eyes and freckles-instantly made me think of her :P)
bar that its good. thanks for answering mine, (the story prologue) and im only thirteen as capably.
sorry i just saw your comment lol ill read yours and ... report to you what i think lol
DUDE this is awesome! you write well for a 13 year old it's really apt. you have some grammar errors and some spelling mistakes but i could still understand what you be saying. the story flows well and i actually similar to the main characters description, she lookes unique, green eyes and red hair and freckles, it really does look cute the method i picture it.
the only thing is the story it self is HELLA predictable and has be done A MILLION times! i can already tell where it's going so yea i would throw some twist within there but it is EXTREMELY good!
Wow for 13 your really honest. You have a good imagination. Its not the kind of book i would read but because of this i will supply you my honest opinion. I liked it! There were a few grammatical errors but bar that i can really relate to your character. If you ever need to run anything that your not sure about or have need of any help you can contact me:
daisyyelland(a)msn.com
I am 17 and so will be able to help you near grammar etc and i could share some of my ideas with you and obtain your feed back. You wrote on my beginning of a book quicker.
i added another bit if you interested in reading more:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091006131242AAFQCKm
email me if you want any opinions ( btw im not some creepy cyber freak i just love literature)
x
OMGosh! I love it, love it, love it! :D
This is totally awesome! I was totally feeling Brooke's emotion, and I want to hear more...in a minute. lol :P
I really hope you finish this and publish this soon! :D Source(s): it's just awesome!
Related Questions:
Help unscrambling this Harry Potter related word?
eyrissetmThe word is assosiated with divination/prophecies from Harry Potter I think it's the word mysteries. Mysteries!Answer Mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index; mysteries =]i love those things
Was Andersen The Little Mermaid his inspired story, or only interpretation?
I know, that, for example, Grimm brothers' books are not original stories, but collection of old German tales...I am curious, how is it beside Little Mermaid? Did Andersen write it by himself or was he inspired by some old Danish tale? My mom said that be the original one...the danish...
Chapter 1, Different.
My life had always be the same routine. I would get up in the morning receive washed and dressed, eat my breakfast, pack my bag for college and walk there. It wasn’t really worth all the hassle, I really didn’t necessitate to go to school. My life wasn’t how you read nearly in stories. It wasn’t perfect and always have a happy ending. No, I was never destined to own a happy ending was I? But I be still determined that I would. I don’t live in a normal world, I live in a pretend world. The type where people can fly and have ‘heat vision’, or can even see into the adjectives. The type where you dreamed about living, your dream heaven. The place where on earth you wished upon a star and it all came true, near one exception-Me.
I was the type of girl who couldn’t do anything special, I couldn’t fly or see into the future. I was a short time ago the girl who did, nothing.
The one who was always picked on the netball squad last, the one who always never seemed to enjoy a partner because there was always an ‘odd’ amount of inhabitants. The one who just walked around at lunch watching the others have race, watching the others flying, showing off, having fun. I was other the loner.
Days seemed to start going as fast as minutes, and soon I was surrounded by Year 9, and yet again I was the loner. Just, A girl. A freak.
Things changed when Alex joined academy though. He was different too, but not different the same as me. I mean, he be different from the rest of them, he didn’t think of me as a freak, he didn’t bully me or call me names. In reality, he was the complete opposite. The first person he talk to when he joined school was me, the human being he chose to sit next to in class was me (even though in attendance were a number of prettier girls, and talented boys) the first party he chose to ever partner up with was, me.
This boy obviously didn’t become conscious what was wrong with me.
It wasn’t just my insufficiency of powers that made me different to the others, I looked different too. I had rose red hair and grass green eyes, I had a wan face and about a million freckles, my lips be a thin line that never smiled and I was too short.
All the other girls contained by class had beautiful hair, blonde or brown, black or blue. They have brown eyes and green eyes, some even had hazel. They didn’t have freckles they had make-up marks that matched their perfectly tanned skin, they have full plump lips that wore bright red or pink lipstick. Which parted into the most whitest of smiles, and yes, they were adjectives so tall.
Alex was like them too, he have light blonde hair with hazel eyes, he have a dazzling smile with the whitest of teeth. I must have came up to his shoulder, even so he didn’t have the same skin colour as them. His wasn’t as pale as mine, but it wasn’t as suntanned as theirs, and there was some part within me that light up inside when he smiled at me. Perhaps this boy doesn’t have powers too, I thought, perhaps he’s exactly approaching me.
All hope inside me was burnt out when the teacher announced him to the class.
“Right settle down you lot!” She shouted.
Everyone turned around to look towards the front, assessing the topical boy, looking him up and down. Even I looked up, instead of keeping my face down to avoid the embarrassment when the boy noticed me. I saw girls smile and receive space for him to set next to him, hoping to get there claws into him.
“This is Alex Crest, he is tentative to the school and he will be in most of your classes, for some of you,” I saw her eyes flicker towards me, even the Ms. Branningdale did not care for me, “He have the ability to relax the atmosphere around him, go on show them Alex.”
I sighed, he was simply another one of them. This was just another boy, I told myself, another one to add to the other two-thousand and ninety two who dislike you. I frowned as Ms. Branningdale go and sat on her desk to watch him. This was lately another normal introduction, let the boy speak, show his powers, and let him choose where on earth to sit (which would be next to one of the girls, like when Jamie first started, he slid right inbetween the two prettiest girls and casually flung his arms around them. They both melt into his arms).
“Actually miss, I like to use my abilities for a reason, not basically to show.” He said.
“Oh,” Her eyes widened at the thought “Well, I cannot make you, well, in fact I can. But I will not, take a seat.”
Alex grinned at her, it was an eccentric sort-of smile, his teeth weren’t precisely white and his lips weren’t really plump, still he was totally and utterly pretty like the rest of them. Actually, speck that, he was beautiful.
Alex turned and looked straight at me, I looked down right away and heard him insubstantially stepping over to me. I thought he was going to whisper into my ear and call me a fre
Answers:
it's really moral!! i like all the descriptions, well done! really biddable for your age! :)
thanks 4 answering mine :
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind…
Wow , for 13 ur gr8. itz something i wuld truly read, i'm 15 and i write as well nd i fink ur reli gd. keep writing.(Y)
i wanna reaad more now :D
i think it's biddable. there are a couple of spelling/grammatical/punctuation mistakes but nothing unfixable. it should be 'they got out THEIR mirrors. i dont in particular like the portrayal of red head/green eyed people being freaks (one of my best mate has long curly red hair, green eyes and freckles-instantly made me think of her :P)
bar that its good. thanks for answering mine, (the story prologue) and im only thirteen as capably.
sorry i just saw your comment lol ill read yours and ... report to you what i think lol
DUDE this is awesome! you write well for a 13 year old it's really apt. you have some grammar errors and some spelling mistakes but i could still understand what you be saying. the story flows well and i actually similar to the main characters description, she lookes unique, green eyes and red hair and freckles, it really does look cute the method i picture it.
the only thing is the story it self is HELLA predictable and has be done A MILLION times! i can already tell where it's going so yea i would throw some twist within there but it is EXTREMELY good!
Wow for 13 your really honest. You have a good imagination. Its not the kind of book i would read but because of this i will supply you my honest opinion. I liked it! There were a few grammatical errors but bar that i can really relate to your character. If you ever need to run anything that your not sure about or have need of any help you can contact me:
daisyyelland(a)msn.com
I am 17 and so will be able to help you near grammar etc and i could share some of my ideas with you and obtain your feed back. You wrote on my beginning of a book quicker.
i added another bit if you interested in reading more:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091006131242AAFQCKm
email me if you want any opinions ( btw im not some creepy cyber freak i just love literature)
x
OMGosh! I love it, love it, love it! :D
This is totally awesome! I was totally feeling Brooke's emotion, and I want to hear more...in a minute. lol :P
I really hope you finish this and publish this soon! :D Source(s): it's just awesome!
Related Questions:
Help unscrambling this Harry Potter related word?
eyrissetmThe word is assosiated with divination/prophecies from Harry Potter I think it's the word mysteries. Mysteries!Answer Mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index; mysteries =]i love those things
Was Andersen The Little Mermaid his inspired story, or only interpretation?
I know, that, for example, Grimm brothers' books are not original stories, but collection of old German tales...I am curious, how is it beside Little Mermaid? Did Andersen write it by himself or was he inspired by some old Danish tale? My mom said that be the original one...the danish...