Please read and review my first chapter?
AN: Hi! Thanks for reading and please review!! If you can help me find a better name for this story I would be so thankful! This might MIGHT become a romance story, if I achieve enough critique and help it can turn into more. I have profoundly more of this story on my computer but I'm putting each point of view in a different topic. I give the half-completed story to my Englishteacher as a project and she gave me an A+ and told me I'm going to end up winning a Pultzier(sp?). That's simply her opinion though...thanks for reading!
Amanda Delman Point of View
"YOU! Get me a black coffee, three sugars! YOU! Get the winter evening dresses sketch and put it on my desk! YOU! Schedule an appointment for me and Rebecca Taylor!", I point at three random associates, who drop whatever they were doing and ran to do what I told them to.
I speed-walked to my organization, my hair flying. I never ran, it was unprofessional and un-ladylike. I sit in my office chair and looked at my rota on my Blackberry.
"MARY!", I shout into the PDA system.
My secratary/personal assistant ran into the room 5 minutes later, hands bursting with files and a steaming cup of coffee.
"Yes, Ms. Delman?", she says, placing the cup on my desk.
"Where are the new cashmere silk dresses?", I ask, sweetly.
"What?", Mary replies.
" You know, the blue veined ones that I worked on for 3 months!! I have a truck waiting outside for the orders!", I yell.
"Umm..I don't know what your conversation about.", Mary says, pushing the cup of coffee towards me. She put a dash of whip cream on top, clearly trying to kiss-up. In my moment of rage, I decide to torment her a little.
"Your not other this stupid...I see you must be making a special effort today! Starting with those clothes, wow, no ones worn moon boots since I was six and I refuse to wear mine even then. My God! What is with that belt. We're not cow-girls on a ranch surrounded by Arizona, ok. Seven jeans are fine, but take off that over sized handkerchief covering your nouns. You are the junior vice president of a fashion company yet the homeless woman who sleeps in the subway by Broadway have more style than you.", I rant, dissing her from head to toe, leaving Mary’s mouth hanging unequivocal, speechless for a couple of seconds. She recovers quickly.
"Oh! I remember presently, Ms. Ross called this morning from the factory in UK. She said that since you ordered 200 dresses, she said it would take more time for her to finish them, since you demanded that solitary she could do the dress work and you made her sign the confidentiality papers, saying that you wouldn't let anyone but her do them, and that none of her employees could see the design.", she finishes and take a big breath.
"Well, call her back and tell her to HURRY UP! Also take someone to get the truck off the block since obviously, my dresses won't be coming for another WEEK!!", I roar.
Just then, a teenager of maybe 16 or 17 come in and dropped a folder on my desk.
"The winter evening dresses Ms. Delman.", she says quietly in the past leaving the room.
"HEY! Come back here!", I yell at the retreating digit.
The girl came back, a look of confusion plastered on her face.
"Yes?", she say, timidly.
"What. Are. You. Wearing?", I ask, venom dripping off every word.
“Um, well I thought since this shirt is blue, it would clash nicely with-”, The intern starts before I interrupt.
"Mary, get these rag off her and dress her in something from the closet. Take something from the closet as well, huh, you involve it.", I say to the brunette who had been trying to sneak out of the room.
"Well, what do you want me to dress her contained by? Cashmere or cotton?", she say using our secret code words for expensive or cheap.
"Cotton of course. What do you expect she’s an intern. Oh and calendar an appointment for me with Lucy.", I say looking at my bare nail in disdain, hoping Lucy (my stylist) will be able to fix them.
Mary and the teen go, departure me alone in my office. My stomach growled unpleasantly. I didn't want to eat contained by the office so, I grab a green trench and walk over to my mirror, going over my outfit. I stare at the thought. A lividly angry face stared back at me. She had smokey-grey eyes in recent times like me, plain brown hair just approaching me...she looked just like me yet I didn't make out the angry face.
Ignoring the scary face, I looked at what I be wearing. Black Tracy Reese legging's matched with a Prada dark green mini dress. It went economically with the satin trench coat I had just grab and black Jimmy Choo ballet slippers. It also brought out my eyes, which was good, considering its my simply feature. I went into my bathroom and put on some lip gloss and blush. Considering myself looking clad, I went out into my office grabbed my Gucci 'Hysteria' tote shoulder bag, a gift from Vera Wang. I put a couple of folders in my bag consequently strode out into the main lobby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answers:
You switch between present and long-gone tense. The narrator seems similar to a high schooler because of the way she speaks, and that's not a good item if she's over twenty and running a business. Honestly, I couldn't read much of it.
EDIT: It doesn't matter that it's a teen book, because she should still talk like populace her age do. Twenty year olds are more keen then high schooler's, and your raconteur sounds like a high school student to me. Perhaps you construe she sounds smarter, but to me she doesn't. Her dialogue is crap that I would hear other high school kids saying to their friends.
i think its really good, although you are constantly switching between present and olden tense. there are several punctuation/spelling mistakes. your should be you're or you are. 'I don't know what YOU'RE talking about'
asks, not say-so. 'Cashmere or Cotton?" she ASKS using our secret code for expensive or cheap. etc etc
reading past the frequent mistakes though, this is a good piece of writing. please read and critique mine
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
Dee xx
It sound good to me. One piece, you could try to describe the environment the characters are in. But other than that, your characters seem economically developed and the dialogue is very interesting.. =) Good luck.
Related Questions:
Please lend a hand!! what is the tone, composition, and style of the poem 'can't' by edgar guest?
what is the tone, composition, and style of the poem 'can't' by edgar guest? or what exactly is tone, composition or style? i've looked them up but i really don't get it :( lolcan'tby edgar guestCant is the worst word thats written or...
Can u endow with me your antipathy to this short story?
THE CENTIPEDEby Rony V. DiazWHEN I saw my sister, Delia, beating my dog with a stick, I felt antipathy heave like a caged, angry beast surrounded by my chest. Out in the sun, the hair of my sister glinted close to metal and, in her brown dress, she looked like a sheathed...
Amanda Delman Point of View
"YOU! Get me a black coffee, three sugars! YOU! Get the winter evening dresses sketch and put it on my desk! YOU! Schedule an appointment for me and Rebecca Taylor!", I point at three random associates, who drop whatever they were doing and ran to do what I told them to.
I speed-walked to my organization, my hair flying. I never ran, it was unprofessional and un-ladylike. I sit in my office chair and looked at my rota on my Blackberry.
"MARY!", I shout into the PDA system.
My secratary/personal assistant ran into the room 5 minutes later, hands bursting with files and a steaming cup of coffee.
"Yes, Ms. Delman?", she says, placing the cup on my desk.
"Where are the new cashmere silk dresses?", I ask, sweetly.
"What?", Mary replies.
" You know, the blue veined ones that I worked on for 3 months!! I have a truck waiting outside for the orders!", I yell.
"Umm..I don't know what your conversation about.", Mary says, pushing the cup of coffee towards me. She put a dash of whip cream on top, clearly trying to kiss-up. In my moment of rage, I decide to torment her a little.
"Your not other this stupid...I see you must be making a special effort today! Starting with those clothes, wow, no ones worn moon boots since I was six and I refuse to wear mine even then. My God! What is with that belt. We're not cow-girls on a ranch surrounded by Arizona, ok. Seven jeans are fine, but take off that over sized handkerchief covering your nouns. You are the junior vice president of a fashion company yet the homeless woman who sleeps in the subway by Broadway have more style than you.", I rant, dissing her from head to toe, leaving Mary’s mouth hanging unequivocal, speechless for a couple of seconds. She recovers quickly.
"Oh! I remember presently, Ms. Ross called this morning from the factory in UK. She said that since you ordered 200 dresses, she said it would take more time for her to finish them, since you demanded that solitary she could do the dress work and you made her sign the confidentiality papers, saying that you wouldn't let anyone but her do them, and that none of her employees could see the design.", she finishes and take a big breath.
"Well, call her back and tell her to HURRY UP! Also take someone to get the truck off the block since obviously, my dresses won't be coming for another WEEK!!", I roar.
Just then, a teenager of maybe 16 or 17 come in and dropped a folder on my desk.
"The winter evening dresses Ms. Delman.", she says quietly in the past leaving the room.
"HEY! Come back here!", I yell at the retreating digit.
The girl came back, a look of confusion plastered on her face.
"Yes?", she say, timidly.
"What. Are. You. Wearing?", I ask, venom dripping off every word.
“Um, well I thought since this shirt is blue, it would clash nicely with-”, The intern starts before I interrupt.
"Mary, get these rag off her and dress her in something from the closet. Take something from the closet as well, huh, you involve it.", I say to the brunette who had been trying to sneak out of the room.
"Well, what do you want me to dress her contained by? Cashmere or cotton?", she say using our secret code words for expensive or cheap.
"Cotton of course. What do you expect she’s an intern. Oh and calendar an appointment for me with Lucy.", I say looking at my bare nail in disdain, hoping Lucy (my stylist) will be able to fix them.
Mary and the teen go, departure me alone in my office. My stomach growled unpleasantly. I didn't want to eat contained by the office so, I grab a green trench and walk over to my mirror, going over my outfit. I stare at the thought. A lividly angry face stared back at me. She had smokey-grey eyes in recent times like me, plain brown hair just approaching me...she looked just like me yet I didn't make out the angry face.
Ignoring the scary face, I looked at what I be wearing. Black Tracy Reese legging's matched with a Prada dark green mini dress. It went economically with the satin trench coat I had just grab and black Jimmy Choo ballet slippers. It also brought out my eyes, which was good, considering its my simply feature. I went into my bathroom and put on some lip gloss and blush. Considering myself looking clad, I went out into my office grabbed my Gucci 'Hysteria' tote shoulder bag, a gift from Vera Wang. I put a couple of folders in my bag consequently strode out into the main lobby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answers:
You switch between present and long-gone tense. The narrator seems similar to a high schooler because of the way she speaks, and that's not a good item if she's over twenty and running a business. Honestly, I couldn't read much of it.
EDIT: It doesn't matter that it's a teen book, because she should still talk like populace her age do. Twenty year olds are more keen then high schooler's, and your raconteur sounds like a high school student to me. Perhaps you construe she sounds smarter, but to me she doesn't. Her dialogue is crap that I would hear other high school kids saying to their friends.
i think its really good, although you are constantly switching between present and olden tense. there are several punctuation/spelling mistakes. your should be you're or you are. 'I don't know what YOU'RE talking about'
asks, not say-so. 'Cashmere or Cotton?" she ASKS using our secret code for expensive or cheap. etc etc
reading past the frequent mistakes though, this is a good piece of writing. please read and critique mine
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
Dee xx
It sound good to me. One piece, you could try to describe the environment the characters are in. But other than that, your characters seem economically developed and the dialogue is very interesting.. =) Good luck.
Related Questions:
Please lend a hand!! what is the tone, composition, and style of the poem 'can't' by edgar guest?
what is the tone, composition, and style of the poem 'can't' by edgar guest? or what exactly is tone, composition or style? i've looked them up but i really don't get it :( lolcan'tby edgar guestCant is the worst word thats written or...
Can u endow with me your antipathy to this short story?
THE CENTIPEDEby Rony V. DiazWHEN I saw my sister, Delia, beating my dog with a stick, I felt antipathy heave like a caged, angry beast surrounded by my chest. Out in the sun, the hair of my sister glinted close to metal and, in her brown dress, she looked like a sheathed...