Hey guys, want a review on my innovative writing please...?
As part of my english work, I have to enter an original piece of writing. In class I read a short story call eyes, and I had to make an alternative ending to it. Here is the imperfect work; will give the rest up later on:
Wendy was frozen as the footsteps of the clergyman grew fainter and fainter. The reassurance of have others in the carriage was gone. When she finally gather up the courage to look at him, he was still smiling at her, his grey eyes bulging with a look of pure evil. She wasn’t sure how long she could hold out for without faint because of the fear and shock. If she passed out he could do anything to her. She looked around for anything she could use to defend herself if he attacked her. The only things she could see be his bag and a newspaper. She couldn’t stand this a second longer.
“Good day, isn’t it?” He asked, still staring at her.
“Y-y-yes.” She stammered, the shock controlling her body. This be it. She had to move now. She slowly stood up, trying to look away from him and grabbed her suitcase. She turned round and took a step forward. It be hard for her to keep her balance; the unease had taken over the muscles in her legs. After taking a brief second to steady herself, she took another two steps before her legs have already given in and she collapsed onto the floor.
“Are you okay?” He asked, his devilish grin fading away.
“Get away from me!” She shrieked in a whiny, hysterical voice. She had sprained her ankle, she couldn’t move, and let out a loud cry of pain. A unfaultable target. She closed her eyes; in the foolish hope this was all only just a bad dream. She was fooling no-one. This was realness. The reality of being in duplicate train carriage as a murderous rapist.
“This is the end.” She thought to herself. “This is how my life ends. Raped and murdered by a madman.”
What do you have an idea that? What should I add/change, how do you think I should end it?
Answers:
Don't make her so shaky...
Let's say she grabs her suitcase, takes out the antique hackle pen that her cherish Grandmama had given to her on her 12th birthday, and she stabs the ba$tard in the jugular!
Only to later find out it be a case of mistaken Identity and he really was the town Priest.
Or better yet, he really be the man she was betrothed to and she was forced to live a long, lonely life.
Related Questions:
The Most Dangerous Game Journal Entry?
In the most Dangerous Game, the short story, what do you think a journal entry would be like, is it an optional extra to the story? because then you could say what happens after rainsford defeat zaroff. does he ever get home? how? where's whitney? etc.
My pitch to any publishers out nearby?
a snake goes back to the garden of eden to redeem his species and get his legs vertebrae, god seeing how genuinely sorry the snake is turns him into a mix of prime numbers and improper fractions. the snake swims through the sea of numbers and scholar to face Jesus in an epic battle of facey...
Wendy was frozen as the footsteps of the clergyman grew fainter and fainter. The reassurance of have others in the carriage was gone. When she finally gather up the courage to look at him, he was still smiling at her, his grey eyes bulging with a look of pure evil. She wasn’t sure how long she could hold out for without faint because of the fear and shock. If she passed out he could do anything to her. She looked around for anything she could use to defend herself if he attacked her. The only things she could see be his bag and a newspaper. She couldn’t stand this a second longer.
“Good day, isn’t it?” He asked, still staring at her.
“Y-y-yes.” She stammered, the shock controlling her body. This be it. She had to move now. She slowly stood up, trying to look away from him and grabbed her suitcase. She turned round and took a step forward. It be hard for her to keep her balance; the unease had taken over the muscles in her legs. After taking a brief second to steady herself, she took another two steps before her legs have already given in and she collapsed onto the floor.
“Are you okay?” He asked, his devilish grin fading away.
“Get away from me!” She shrieked in a whiny, hysterical voice. She had sprained her ankle, she couldn’t move, and let out a loud cry of pain. A unfaultable target. She closed her eyes; in the foolish hope this was all only just a bad dream. She was fooling no-one. This was realness. The reality of being in duplicate train carriage as a murderous rapist.
“This is the end.” She thought to herself. “This is how my life ends. Raped and murdered by a madman.”
What do you have an idea that? What should I add/change, how do you think I should end it?
Answers:
Don't make her so shaky...
Let's say she grabs her suitcase, takes out the antique hackle pen that her cherish Grandmama had given to her on her 12th birthday, and she stabs the ba$tard in the jugular!
Only to later find out it be a case of mistaken Identity and he really was the town Priest.
Or better yet, he really be the man she was betrothed to and she was forced to live a long, lonely life.
Related Questions:
The Most Dangerous Game Journal Entry?
In the most Dangerous Game, the short story, what do you think a journal entry would be like, is it an optional extra to the story? because then you could say what happens after rainsford defeat zaroff. does he ever get home? how? where's whitney? etc.
My pitch to any publishers out nearby?
a snake goes back to the garden of eden to redeem his species and get his legs vertebrae, god seeing how genuinely sorry the snake is turns him into a mix of prime numbers and improper fractions. the snake swims through the sea of numbers and scholar to face Jesus in an epic battle of facey...