Do you resembling this writing?
my friend wrote this about the guy she likes. It's sooo amazing and i want her to get it published or atleast show it too him (that would be really awkward though haha) but hopefully this feedback (which can be critiquing too) will label her want to publish it.
Cobalt 5 Gum
We sit and make sly comments about the people around us. It’s the most fun I ever enjoy. Every time you whisper something to me the scent of Cobalt 5 Gum dances in my facade. We’re sitting so close, confined in this space, but there’s still an awkward gap from where my skin touches yours.
From the corner of my eye I take in for questioning you staring at me but I don’t look at you. I don’t want you to realize I can see you. You keep staring and I can’t help but wonder what there is to look at. I turn to see your concentrated stare.
I thought you would turn away, and pretend similar to nothing happened but you kept staring. I looked in your eyes; they be the prettiest shade of blue. It’s as if a man decided to paint your eyes with the waters of the clearest ocean, the purest of blues. Color is sensibly gently perfectly splashed onto your eyes, sprinkling the outer rims a darker color than the inside. I want this moment to final forever, but I look away, and immediately regret it.
There’s a moment where there is silence and zilch. I want you to stare, to whisper, to do something so I can look at you again. I sigh in hopes of getting your attention but you do nothing. To comfort myself I assume you’re in just as much agony as I am.
Suddenly you start to laugh. It be the sweetest sound bubbling from your mouth. The noise foxtrots around my head; it be a sparkling sort of sound and it made me laugh too. We sat in that laughing at nothing. Your mouth was in an friendly smile, each tooth perfectly settled right by the next. Your muzzle was scrunched up, folding over itself over and over; one for each chuckle. Others might not have liked it but I thought it was adorable. Your eyes are closed as if they couldn’t purloin our laughter. With every silly laugh your hair bounced on your boss from right to left to right. The once brown hair of yours has be sun bleached over the summer to a light auburn. It’s almost the same as mine.
Our laughter dies down and silence comes for a second time. You shush to me again and the scent of Cobalt 5 Gum dances in my face.
You hold out a piece to me and it feels like I can taste you contained by my mouth. Every memory of you, scent of you, picture of you, sound of you, feel of you, is inside the minty tang of the gum. When I chew it I can see your beautiful obverse, hear your bubbling sparkling laugh, feel you here. Cobalt 5 Gum is what I turn to when you’re not here. Cobalt 5 Gum is all I enjoy, because I can’t have you.
Answers:
Definitely good. You can update how sincere she's being. Your friend is very talented.
Very good. Although, colbalt 5 gum does not appear like such an attractive scent lolol but maybe thats because i am prejudiced against gum..
I love it! Great detail! I love how you put her thoughts and senses into it. Great similes. I think it is really great! Source(s): review my story? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
Related Questions:
Smoke get surrounded by your eyes mentioned within Catcher surrounded by the Rye?
Catcher in the Rye is a 1951 novel if i'm not mistaken and towards the last chapter Holden takes his little sister Phoebe to the carousel he mentions that they were playing Smoke gets surrounded by your eyes, which is a 1958 song, I'm confused xD can somebody explain? ...
I'm17. What do you conjecture of my writing?
If you could watch him, then you could understand. That's adjectives i remember from his last words to me. I trembled,rushed into the bathroom and cried for hours, sitting on the edge of the paneo.Deep down inside of me i felt so guilty for wish him to be dead, i felt guilty for the...
Cobalt 5 Gum
We sit and make sly comments about the people around us. It’s the most fun I ever enjoy. Every time you whisper something to me the scent of Cobalt 5 Gum dances in my facade. We’re sitting so close, confined in this space, but there’s still an awkward gap from where my skin touches yours.
From the corner of my eye I take in for questioning you staring at me but I don’t look at you. I don’t want you to realize I can see you. You keep staring and I can’t help but wonder what there is to look at. I turn to see your concentrated stare.
I thought you would turn away, and pretend similar to nothing happened but you kept staring. I looked in your eyes; they be the prettiest shade of blue. It’s as if a man decided to paint your eyes with the waters of the clearest ocean, the purest of blues. Color is sensibly gently perfectly splashed onto your eyes, sprinkling the outer rims a darker color than the inside. I want this moment to final forever, but I look away, and immediately regret it.
There’s a moment where there is silence and zilch. I want you to stare, to whisper, to do something so I can look at you again. I sigh in hopes of getting your attention but you do nothing. To comfort myself I assume you’re in just as much agony as I am.
Suddenly you start to laugh. It be the sweetest sound bubbling from your mouth. The noise foxtrots around my head; it be a sparkling sort of sound and it made me laugh too. We sat in that laughing at nothing. Your mouth was in an friendly smile, each tooth perfectly settled right by the next. Your muzzle was scrunched up, folding over itself over and over; one for each chuckle. Others might not have liked it but I thought it was adorable. Your eyes are closed as if they couldn’t purloin our laughter. With every silly laugh your hair bounced on your boss from right to left to right. The once brown hair of yours has be sun bleached over the summer to a light auburn. It’s almost the same as mine.
Our laughter dies down and silence comes for a second time. You shush to me again and the scent of Cobalt 5 Gum dances in my face.
You hold out a piece to me and it feels like I can taste you contained by my mouth. Every memory of you, scent of you, picture of you, sound of you, feel of you, is inside the minty tang of the gum. When I chew it I can see your beautiful obverse, hear your bubbling sparkling laugh, feel you here. Cobalt 5 Gum is what I turn to when you’re not here. Cobalt 5 Gum is all I enjoy, because I can’t have you.
Answers:
Definitely good. You can update how sincere she's being. Your friend is very talented.
Very good. Although, colbalt 5 gum does not appear like such an attractive scent lolol but maybe thats because i am prejudiced against gum..
I love it! Great detail! I love how you put her thoughts and senses into it. Great similes. I think it is really great! Source(s): review my story? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
Related Questions:
Smoke get surrounded by your eyes mentioned within Catcher surrounded by the Rye?
Catcher in the Rye is a 1951 novel if i'm not mistaken and towards the last chapter Holden takes his little sister Phoebe to the carousel he mentions that they were playing Smoke gets surrounded by your eyes, which is a 1958 song, I'm confused xD can somebody explain? ...
I'm17. What do you conjecture of my writing?
If you could watch him, then you could understand. That's adjectives i remember from his last words to me. I trembled,rushed into the bathroom and cried for hours, sitting on the edge of the paneo.Deep down inside of me i felt so guilty for wish him to be dead, i felt guilty for the...