Hmm...what do you ruminate?
Hulloooo! This is the first little bit of my book, Beautiful Insanity, and I would like to know what you think... I'd like the HONEST BRUTAL TRUTH, if you please...
There she be. Waiting, abandoned and alone. Painful images splayed behind her lid. They focused not on her mothers drinking, or her fathers neglect. Not her brother's love, nor her best friends acceptance; but her own mistakes. The setting up of it all. Her departure. . . .
The car is silent. Both passenger and driver ill at glibness, tension rolling off their bodies in gelatinous waves.
Frigid wind blows through the cracked windows, wisping loose strands of golden curls across Adriana's face.
James clears his throat. His large hands tighten on the black pedals anxiously, turning his knuckles white. "You packed?" His voice betrayed no emotion, however he knew his eyes told no lies, and he be grateful for his sisters refusal to look at him.
Adriana sat stiff as a board, her only motions the rise and fall of her chest and a slight swaying from the nippy moving car. She didn't answer, only kept her face straight and clear of adjectives emotion.
James was ashamed of himself. Ashamed of what he was doing to his sister, and miserable because he know he must. He wanted to explain it to her, to tell her everything. He wished he could, but he fear that would only make things worse.
"I hope it's nice there."
Adriana have to keep from screaming out 'It's a PRISON! Why the hell would it be NICE?' She bit down on her tongue and balled her hands into tight fists. Her sharp nails dug into the palms of her hand.
And then, "Did you tell Liam yet?" dismay leak into James' voice this time and he wished he hadn't spoken.
Adriana turned her face to look at her brothers' identical black eyes. James could grain her heavy stair probing him, seeing right through him. Yet when she looked away, her jaw was slack and her eyes be down.
"Ana! You're leaving in three days and you still haven't told him!" James knew Liam and Adriana's bond be as tight as their own. He knew what his decision would cost him, but even if they both hated him contained by the end, it would be well worth it. "You will tell him, or I will." James assured, and Adriana's obverse snapped up, her eyes fixing on his with a frigid gaze.
"Why are you so worried about him?" Adriana snarled.
James clenched his teeth and spoke near with a tone that left no argument, "Adriana. You will tell him tonight. You get that?" He looked back at the road, pulled into a crowded parking lot, and with a sharp stop, he launched himself out of the motor.
Adriana sat in torment as she watched her brothers obverse. His features distorted by outrage ... and something else. Something she could not quite figure out. She tried to look into his eyes, but they were indifferent, resembling the doors to his sole were locked. He lit a cigarette with a shaking hand and took a long, thoughtful drag, closing his eyes in pleasure when the nicotine quenched his craving.
He stood with his friends, they slapped him on the vertebrae, and looked to see where his clone was. He nodded towards his midnight blue BMW, and when they turned, she be there, with her indifferent face. Her eyes though, give away her secrets.
There was a sharp tap at her skylight. She jumped in surprise, and looked out to see Liam kneeling down to look at his Adriana.
Answers:
I rather like it, but do be sure to proof read for spelling and punctuation errors. It really caught and kept my interest. Seems to me you may be using too many adjectives, though. I do see great potential, so do contiue writing. Good luck!!
I agree, if and when it's published, please let me know as I want to beat a absolute someone there ;)
An excellent start, in my opinion, and adjectives the detail adds that sense of ambiance.
As the others own said, you do need to watch for spelling and grammar issues. Your constricted shifted from past to present to past. Stick to one style or it interferes with the reader's perspective.
There are a few details that call for to be gone over again. First you say she was waiting abandoned and alone, consequently you say she was with her brother. Are you trying to articulate that she's remembering the scene with her brother and that what follows is a replay? If so, that needs to be made clearer.
Also, it wasn't clear that the car be moving until a few sentences into the paragraph. Try to establish that earlier on.
When he gets out of the car, how is she competent to "look into his eyes" while still seated in the car? It seems physically impossible, extremely when he has his back to her when he approaches his friends. It also isn't clear where the friends suddenly come from. He got out of the car, stood around looking angry, smoked a cigarette...and then go up to his friends? Or was he standing among them right away? And if the latter is true, why slap him on the back in treatment when his face is contorted with outrage?
Why did Liam need to bow to look into the car window? It seems more possible that he would kneel to keep out of sight as he tap on the window. If that's what you're trying to say, then it desires to be clearer. It currently reads as if the car was so low to the ground that he needed to bend the knee to see her. That would make it even more difficult for Adriana to see the expression on James' face as he stood by the car.
Interesting hook overall. Just wishes a bit of polishing and a closer look at the details. :) Source(s): Professional editor
Holy crap! Seriously, tell me when your book comes out and I'll be first contained by line to buy it. It's great! Don't let anyone EVER tell you to quit writing. The solitary thing I'd do different is don't be so detailed in every sentence. You'll find it easier when you're halfway done near the book and you need more descriptive details for the rest of it. Other than that, it's amazing. Good luck! Source(s): I'm about 80% done with my first book.
Sounds close to she needs more of her brother's love.
Hey, Thanks for answering my question.
I honestly enjoyed this bit of your story. But I do have a few suggestions. One, your sentence structure, and spelling, just watch that. Two, when you described things, it was highly beautiful, just bit.. confusing, I guess is the right word. That's mostly it, otherwise, I absolutely loved it.
Oh and, I know this is completely irrelevant, and I'm letting my OCD side thieve control of me here, but your formating made me really mad. Not at you, but at your text. I'm sorry, lol. Like, I'm a complete organization freak, and your paragraph seemed a bit jumbled up. But you don't need to fix that, it will be different when you write it down written.
!Dani.
its pretty good, except for a few spelling errors and some mismatched adjectives. Its a great attention getter.....
I find it extraordinarily fascinating though I wish I could read more into the characters. It's a good start for it capture you, though in a certain way it is a touch jumpy... like it needs to be more defined... but overall I would articulate keep writing I would love to read more on what is next... and agreed it does need editing approaching everyone elses before a final product... and a little grammer/spelling checks here and there but overall hold on to it up!
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There she be. Waiting, abandoned and alone. Painful images splayed behind her lid. They focused not on her mothers drinking, or her fathers neglect. Not her brother's love, nor her best friends acceptance; but her own mistakes. The setting up of it all. Her departure. . . .
The car is silent. Both passenger and driver ill at glibness, tension rolling off their bodies in gelatinous waves.
Frigid wind blows through the cracked windows, wisping loose strands of golden curls across Adriana's face.
James clears his throat. His large hands tighten on the black pedals anxiously, turning his knuckles white. "You packed?" His voice betrayed no emotion, however he knew his eyes told no lies, and he be grateful for his sisters refusal to look at him.
Adriana sat stiff as a board, her only motions the rise and fall of her chest and a slight swaying from the nippy moving car. She didn't answer, only kept her face straight and clear of adjectives emotion.
James was ashamed of himself. Ashamed of what he was doing to his sister, and miserable because he know he must. He wanted to explain it to her, to tell her everything. He wished he could, but he fear that would only make things worse.
"I hope it's nice there."
Adriana have to keep from screaming out 'It's a PRISON! Why the hell would it be NICE?' She bit down on her tongue and balled her hands into tight fists. Her sharp nails dug into the palms of her hand.
And then, "Did you tell Liam yet?" dismay leak into James' voice this time and he wished he hadn't spoken.
Adriana turned her face to look at her brothers' identical black eyes. James could grain her heavy stair probing him, seeing right through him. Yet when she looked away, her jaw was slack and her eyes be down.
"Ana! You're leaving in three days and you still haven't told him!" James knew Liam and Adriana's bond be as tight as their own. He knew what his decision would cost him, but even if they both hated him contained by the end, it would be well worth it. "You will tell him, or I will." James assured, and Adriana's obverse snapped up, her eyes fixing on his with a frigid gaze.
"Why are you so worried about him?" Adriana snarled.
James clenched his teeth and spoke near with a tone that left no argument, "Adriana. You will tell him tonight. You get that?" He looked back at the road, pulled into a crowded parking lot, and with a sharp stop, he launched himself out of the motor.
Adriana sat in torment as she watched her brothers obverse. His features distorted by outrage ... and something else. Something she could not quite figure out. She tried to look into his eyes, but they were indifferent, resembling the doors to his sole were locked. He lit a cigarette with a shaking hand and took a long, thoughtful drag, closing his eyes in pleasure when the nicotine quenched his craving.
He stood with his friends, they slapped him on the vertebrae, and looked to see where his clone was. He nodded towards his midnight blue BMW, and when they turned, she be there, with her indifferent face. Her eyes though, give away her secrets.
There was a sharp tap at her skylight. She jumped in surprise, and looked out to see Liam kneeling down to look at his Adriana.
Answers:
I rather like it, but do be sure to proof read for spelling and punctuation errors. It really caught and kept my interest. Seems to me you may be using too many adjectives, though. I do see great potential, so do contiue writing. Good luck!!
I agree, if and when it's published, please let me know as I want to beat a absolute someone there ;)
An excellent start, in my opinion, and adjectives the detail adds that sense of ambiance.
As the others own said, you do need to watch for spelling and grammar issues. Your constricted shifted from past to present to past. Stick to one style or it interferes with the reader's perspective.
There are a few details that call for to be gone over again. First you say she was waiting abandoned and alone, consequently you say she was with her brother. Are you trying to articulate that she's remembering the scene with her brother and that what follows is a replay? If so, that needs to be made clearer.
Also, it wasn't clear that the car be moving until a few sentences into the paragraph. Try to establish that earlier on.
When he gets out of the car, how is she competent to "look into his eyes" while still seated in the car? It seems physically impossible, extremely when he has his back to her when he approaches his friends. It also isn't clear where the friends suddenly come from. He got out of the car, stood around looking angry, smoked a cigarette...and then go up to his friends? Or was he standing among them right away? And if the latter is true, why slap him on the back in treatment when his face is contorted with outrage?
Why did Liam need to bow to look into the car window? It seems more possible that he would kneel to keep out of sight as he tap on the window. If that's what you're trying to say, then it desires to be clearer. It currently reads as if the car was so low to the ground that he needed to bend the knee to see her. That would make it even more difficult for Adriana to see the expression on James' face as he stood by the car.
Interesting hook overall. Just wishes a bit of polishing and a closer look at the details. :) Source(s): Professional editor
Holy crap! Seriously, tell me when your book comes out and I'll be first contained by line to buy it. It's great! Don't let anyone EVER tell you to quit writing. The solitary thing I'd do different is don't be so detailed in every sentence. You'll find it easier when you're halfway done near the book and you need more descriptive details for the rest of it. Other than that, it's amazing. Good luck! Source(s): I'm about 80% done with my first book.
Sounds close to she needs more of her brother's love.
Hey, Thanks for answering my question.
I honestly enjoyed this bit of your story. But I do have a few suggestions. One, your sentence structure, and spelling, just watch that. Two, when you described things, it was highly beautiful, just bit.. confusing, I guess is the right word. That's mostly it, otherwise, I absolutely loved it.
Oh and, I know this is completely irrelevant, and I'm letting my OCD side thieve control of me here, but your formating made me really mad. Not at you, but at your text. I'm sorry, lol. Like, I'm a complete organization freak, and your paragraph seemed a bit jumbled up. But you don't need to fix that, it will be different when you write it down written.
!Dani.
its pretty good, except for a few spelling errors and some mismatched adjectives. Its a great attention getter.....
I find it extraordinarily fascinating though I wish I could read more into the characters. It's a good start for it capture you, though in a certain way it is a touch jumpy... like it needs to be more defined... but overall I would articulate keep writing I would love to read more on what is next... and agreed it does need editing approaching everyone elses before a final product... and a little grammer/spelling checks here and there but overall hold on to it up!
Related Questions:
Who should die first?
So in my story there is a mother and grandmother of the heroine, and they both die, but I was wondering which instruct would be better for the plot development and suspence. They are a family of witches. The grandmother is like the matriarchal, disciplinary digit for the family. She's the one that is in charge of the money,...
Is in that a book beside initials E by an author near initials J.B.?
I need to get this for a hard book quiz--please Help!the initial of the book is E and it's by someone next to initials JB. Please! HELP!! Could it be England, England by Julian Barnes? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/England,_EnĄ There is a novel written by John Bankville called Eclipse. ...