What do you imagine of the start of my story?
this is the introduction to i story i have been writing. please tell me what you deduce and whether you would keep reading. any constructive criticism is welcome.
Beginning
We had freshly moved to Sydney and I remember feeling nervous. I was so strung-up I had spent the whole time since moving chewing my nails into dust. I remember walking up to the university to enroll and my hands were shaking so much I had to put them surrounded by my pockets to stop them. My mum had said it wasn’t a big deal, and I was fine until I get there, but as I looked up at the posh school and the principal looked down at me like a adjectives bear looks at a cooked chicken in a cartoon I gulped only just like the characters do in the cartoons. When my teeth wouldn’t stop chattering the principle Miss Rupert asked me if within was something wrong, I turned red and felt my cheeks grow hot.
I had come from Melbourne so it wasn’t approaching I was starting out in a new country, but it be a new city, with a new university with a new group of people. It wasn’t similar to I didn’t want to move, but I liked it where we used to live, On the outskirts of Melbourne in a small town call Willconston with all my old friends and my older public school with just lower than 400 kids. Mum said it was best to start afresh, so she enrolled my and my two younger sisters and brother in the best and most ably known private school in Sydney. St David Catholic School within the middle of the city. Since when have we been religious anyway? We have never gone to church or said grace since our meals or anything like that. We used to go to church the hours of darkness before Easter when I was little, but since the triplets came along everything get difficult.
I remember my old house. It was big but just one story, it have a verandah all the way around and we had two paddocks out the wager on. It was a red brick house, but dad had painted it cream when I was five. He said it be to go with the sandstone edges that were on respectively of the four corners of the house. And it did look better, but I always loved the red against the pale white and yellow of the sandstone. It have a grey corrugated iron roof and when it rained heavily it would make your ears ring but when it was street lamp it was the best thing to lull you to sleep.
My room hadn’t been big but at tiniest I didn’t have to share, my two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room. But it was so full of Narnie’s junk that it didn’t situation much. Leah’s side was neater, her bed was always made and her clothes be hung up but it was hard to tell because Narnie’s Junk floated around the place making it adjectives look messy. I loved sitting on the back verandah with Goat. We had a pet goat call Goat. He was good, but we never had much contained by the way of flowers because of him, mum didn’t mind, she said she never had time to look after it before we get Goat, and after we got him the grass was always kept short. The grass within the garden was slightly greener that the yellowing grass of the paddocks beyond it but it was grey compared to the green in Sydney.
I be quite sad that we couldn’t take Goat next to us but dad kept him in his new home two houses down from our old one, and promised to look after him and donate him a treat of string beans or carrot every few days. Anyways who ever heard of a goat in the middle of Sydney? It wasn’t going to happen so I have to put up with it.
My new house is modern. It has an expand plan area down stairs with a big kitchen and living room. Upstairs there are the bedrooms and a big study. We enjoy three bathrooms. I tried to think of a situation where we would need that plentiful, but I couldn’t. There is a pool outside and a deck, it has a barbeque built into a bench topped with a giant granite slab that runs the length of the full bench. It’s not the same as our old house but it is new and here won’t be leaks in the roof out the back and they won’t be mice within the kitchen which is always good.
I like this house because my bedroom have a big window at one end and a walk surrounded by wardrobe next to it. There is enough room for a queen sized bed in my room, and none of the kids hold to share bedrooms. The lounge room is a lot bigger than our old home but it isn’t the same as in the past. It will never be the same. This time dad isn’t with us. He’s back contained by Melbourne and because of that it will never feel exactly like it used to.
Answers:
Cool.
It's ok, but could use a little work
it's ok, though i have two criticisms.
1: you are unfolding, not showing. You are just describing the scene. You need to use less description, but paint a better picture. Less is more.
2: your sentences are much too long. there are commas where there should be full stops, or vice versa. This sentence:
My room hadn’t be big but at least I didn’t have to share, my two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room. But it was so full of Narnie’s second-hand goods that it didn’t matter much.
should be like this:
My room hadn’t been big but at tiniest I didn’t have to share. My two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room, but it was so full of Narnie’s junk that it didn’t situation much.
this sentece:
He said it was to go with the sandstone edges that be on each of the four corners of the house. And it did look better, but I always loved the red against the pale white and wan of the sandstone.
should be like this:
He said it was to go beside the sandstone edges that were on each of the four corners of the house, and it did look better, but I always loved the red against the ashy white and yellow of the sandstone.
there are more, but you can do those. im just giving you an opinion of how things can be improved.
You have no hook. There's zilch going on here right now, just description. A family moving isn't within itself intriguing enough to get your readers interested contained by your story. If you've got some sort of plot later on, you need to bring it surrounded by much sooner, like the first paragraph or two.
Whenever we did writing assignments, my old English teacher used to chat about Indiana Jones. Every Indiana Jones movie starts out with some incredibly exciting action scene, and the justification they did that is it gets your blood pumping and you want more. Very few movies start out with a dry description of the characters, where on earth they live, etc., unless they're highly eccentric people. You can do one and the same thing in writing. Show us something exciting!
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Beginning
We had freshly moved to Sydney and I remember feeling nervous. I was so strung-up I had spent the whole time since moving chewing my nails into dust. I remember walking up to the university to enroll and my hands were shaking so much I had to put them surrounded by my pockets to stop them. My mum had said it wasn’t a big deal, and I was fine until I get there, but as I looked up at the posh school and the principal looked down at me like a adjectives bear looks at a cooked chicken in a cartoon I gulped only just like the characters do in the cartoons. When my teeth wouldn’t stop chattering the principle Miss Rupert asked me if within was something wrong, I turned red and felt my cheeks grow hot.
I had come from Melbourne so it wasn’t approaching I was starting out in a new country, but it be a new city, with a new university with a new group of people. It wasn’t similar to I didn’t want to move, but I liked it where we used to live, On the outskirts of Melbourne in a small town call Willconston with all my old friends and my older public school with just lower than 400 kids. Mum said it was best to start afresh, so she enrolled my and my two younger sisters and brother in the best and most ably known private school in Sydney. St David Catholic School within the middle of the city. Since when have we been religious anyway? We have never gone to church or said grace since our meals or anything like that. We used to go to church the hours of darkness before Easter when I was little, but since the triplets came along everything get difficult.
I remember my old house. It was big but just one story, it have a verandah all the way around and we had two paddocks out the wager on. It was a red brick house, but dad had painted it cream when I was five. He said it be to go with the sandstone edges that were on respectively of the four corners of the house. And it did look better, but I always loved the red against the pale white and yellow of the sandstone. It have a grey corrugated iron roof and when it rained heavily it would make your ears ring but when it was street lamp it was the best thing to lull you to sleep.
My room hadn’t been big but at tiniest I didn’t have to share, my two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room. But it was so full of Narnie’s junk that it didn’t situation much. Leah’s side was neater, her bed was always made and her clothes be hung up but it was hard to tell because Narnie’s Junk floated around the place making it adjectives look messy. I loved sitting on the back verandah with Goat. We had a pet goat call Goat. He was good, but we never had much contained by the way of flowers because of him, mum didn’t mind, she said she never had time to look after it before we get Goat, and after we got him the grass was always kept short. The grass within the garden was slightly greener that the yellowing grass of the paddocks beyond it but it was grey compared to the green in Sydney.
I be quite sad that we couldn’t take Goat next to us but dad kept him in his new home two houses down from our old one, and promised to look after him and donate him a treat of string beans or carrot every few days. Anyways who ever heard of a goat in the middle of Sydney? It wasn’t going to happen so I have to put up with it.
My new house is modern. It has an expand plan area down stairs with a big kitchen and living room. Upstairs there are the bedrooms and a big study. We enjoy three bathrooms. I tried to think of a situation where we would need that plentiful, but I couldn’t. There is a pool outside and a deck, it has a barbeque built into a bench topped with a giant granite slab that runs the length of the full bench. It’s not the same as our old house but it is new and here won’t be leaks in the roof out the back and they won’t be mice within the kitchen which is always good.
I like this house because my bedroom have a big window at one end and a walk surrounded by wardrobe next to it. There is enough room for a queen sized bed in my room, and none of the kids hold to share bedrooms. The lounge room is a lot bigger than our old home but it isn’t the same as in the past. It will never be the same. This time dad isn’t with us. He’s back contained by Melbourne and because of that it will never feel exactly like it used to.
Answers:
Cool.
It's ok, but could use a little work
it's ok, though i have two criticisms.
1: you are unfolding, not showing. You are just describing the scene. You need to use less description, but paint a better picture. Less is more.
2: your sentences are much too long. there are commas where there should be full stops, or vice versa. This sentence:
My room hadn’t be big but at least I didn’t have to share, my two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room. But it was so full of Narnie’s second-hand goods that it didn’t matter much.
should be like this:
My room hadn’t been big but at tiniest I didn’t have to share. My two sisters, Narnie and Leah used to share the biggest room, but it was so full of Narnie’s junk that it didn’t situation much.
this sentece:
He said it was to go with the sandstone edges that be on each of the four corners of the house. And it did look better, but I always loved the red against the pale white and wan of the sandstone.
should be like this:
He said it was to go beside the sandstone edges that were on each of the four corners of the house, and it did look better, but I always loved the red against the ashy white and yellow of the sandstone.
there are more, but you can do those. im just giving you an opinion of how things can be improved.
You have no hook. There's zilch going on here right now, just description. A family moving isn't within itself intriguing enough to get your readers interested contained by your story. If you've got some sort of plot later on, you need to bring it surrounded by much sooner, like the first paragraph or two.
Whenever we did writing assignments, my old English teacher used to chat about Indiana Jones. Every Indiana Jones movie starts out with some incredibly exciting action scene, and the justification they did that is it gets your blood pumping and you want more. Very few movies start out with a dry description of the characters, where on earth they live, etc., unless they're highly eccentric people. You can do one and the same thing in writing. Show us something exciting!
Related Questions:
I own an view for a story...what do you reflect?
Here is an Overview and a paragraph that is hopefully going to go somewhere in it. I would love any critisim or comments to give support to make it better.Overview:Nellie is in love with Trey, but when he go off to fight for Nile, the king of Creperum. Their love is...
Anyone else strangely attracted to lisbeth salender from the girl next to dragon tattoo by stieg larson?
I almost am - and I'm a female. I like her attitude to authority although if I actually met her I would probably hatred her on sight.And, yes, to anyone reading ... read the books, they're very unusual and agile. Hard...