What do you consider just about this story?
I'm helping my friend develop herself as an amateur film producer/ director. Now she wants to work on project films and work her way up but doesn't enjoy a screenplay writer.
So my little butt came in handy. I'm not the best and i know my work is flawed, but what do you think almost this controversial premise?
Answers:
Pretty pious so far.
Is this supposed to be a short story/novel or a screenplay? It matters which one it is because as a screenplay it's a bit too lyrical. Screenwriting means you must stick to things that are VISUAL (her wrists be slit) if not ATMOSPHERIC (warm summer air that night) to give the director the picture you are trying to "paint". So that process don't write things like "her irreversible actions made her realize" because how is "realizing" going to look like on the blind unless you put it in the dialogue (in this case, write the dialogue) or make creative juxtapositions (she saw kids playing surrounded by the park and then her face lights up). The point here is if you're trying to express abstract or non-visual things then try to interpret images (or scenes, you have to be concrete, you simply can't say aloud that she's sad) that could trigger the audiendce's imagination.
Also, it seems you have mentioned two controversial issues but you didn't say what you thought something like them that was original. It's a bit cliche if you think give or take a few it. Teen pregnancy = sadness = suicide. Two cliches, in fact. Unless, logically, if you have a super shocking plot twist that you didn't mention. I suggest sticking to one controversial issue. Tackling two at the same time is firm unless you know that you can pull it off. Do what you think is best.
You have successfully managed to mention two controversial topics, but you have inferior not only to provide any sort of original take on them, but also to invoke any sort of empathy or conception in your audience. Fail.
Edit: Sorry, you're right, I'm being a useless ***. Try 2:
Okay, first of all, you hold a suicide, and that's incredibly dramatic. That's good. But that also means that this is a subject that countless authors and artists have touched on past, and you need to either (a) go beside the story as is but say something new about it or (b) use the drama here to drive a different plot.
The problem near path A is that you haven't shown any signs that you're going to say anything new. Here's where on earth it seems like you're trying to say things roughly speaking what's happening in the story:
"What the hell did a 16 year old girl even know almost creating life, let alone terminating it?"
"Had she down the right item? Would life seemly fall back into place for Jessica approaching to the days of pre-pregnancy?"
The problem is that these are the same thoughts that anyone in Jessica's situation would think. In certainty, they're probably the first things someone would think (well, the first thing after, why the hell didn't we use birth control? but I digress). Suicide's also something that most people would consider about. What's something the average person wouldn't think roughly speaking? What do you know or feel about teen pregnancy that your average reader wouldn't?
Now, if you go down route B, something you're going to hold to be careful of is letting the story peter out. With stories like this, it can almost be like you blew your nouns in the first page of the story and didn't have anything left over. Like I said, suicide is incredibly dramatic (not to mention the pregnancy thing), so contained by order to keep your reader interested, you're going to have to resort to even more dramatic theme, or else what's the point of going on with the story? You've already read the good stuff.
My problem near going down road B for you is that you haven't shown any potential for doing this. The only hanging threads in this scenario are (1) will Jessica live? and (2) what will evolve to the baby? Recovering from a suicide and having a kid simply aren't more dramatic than suicide.
What's worse (and this would be a problem no matter what you choose to do near the story) is that it seems like you're eliminating potential sources of conflict as soon as they come up. The girl's pregnant. Oh capably, doesn't matter - she's committing suicide! And then she commits suicide, but guess what?
"...Jessica gave up. With no home, a boyfriend, or even a place to stay, her will to live ceased."
The suicide doesn't matter either! At this point, you've get one person in the whole world who this suicide impact. It's gonna be a lot harder to write a good story without adjectives the conflict and heartbreak and intrigue that could occur between multiple characters bouncing off of each other contained by the wake of a suicide. Jessica was a nobody, and nobody cares almost nobodies.
Okay, here's what I would do if I were you. There's one character you haven't mentioned nonetheless - the guy who got Jessica pregnant. It's obviously not Jessie, since Jessica hasn't even got the ball to talk to him. If Jessie really cares about Jessica, after he's got to have an opinion on whoever knock her up.
That could easily make for an interesting sort of love-triangle, since it'd be a love triangle with one of the points removed. But love triangles are overdone, even ones where on earth one of the points of the triangle is dead. What'd be more interesting would be is if the whole time, Jessie was trying to digit out who the hell the mystery father is. Kick it up a notch by removing two of the triangle's points. That gives you a good ample minor plot thread to keep your audience interested, or it could even be good enough for the key plotline.
At any rate, have the kid somehow survive, and then stick Jessie with him (Jessie'd enjoy to be at least 18 and would have to claim that he was the father for some pretext, but that's not to hard to cook up). Single parenthood (and a lack of child support from an skiver dad) always gets people's hackles up, thereby getting you this "controversial" label that you want, and I doubt most folks have thoughts about what they would do if they ever got shackled beside someone else's kid, because the idea of that happening never occurred to them. That relieves some of the pressure on you to be inventive. Go from there.
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So my little butt came in handy. I'm not the best and i know my work is flawed, but what do you think almost this controversial premise?
Answers:
Pretty pious so far.
Is this supposed to be a short story/novel or a screenplay? It matters which one it is because as a screenplay it's a bit too lyrical. Screenwriting means you must stick to things that are VISUAL (her wrists be slit) if not ATMOSPHERIC (warm summer air that night) to give the director the picture you are trying to "paint". So that process don't write things like "her irreversible actions made her realize" because how is "realizing" going to look like on the blind unless you put it in the dialogue (in this case, write the dialogue) or make creative juxtapositions (she saw kids playing surrounded by the park and then her face lights up). The point here is if you're trying to express abstract or non-visual things then try to interpret images (or scenes, you have to be concrete, you simply can't say aloud that she's sad) that could trigger the audiendce's imagination.
Also, it seems you have mentioned two controversial issues but you didn't say what you thought something like them that was original. It's a bit cliche if you think give or take a few it. Teen pregnancy = sadness = suicide. Two cliches, in fact. Unless, logically, if you have a super shocking plot twist that you didn't mention. I suggest sticking to one controversial issue. Tackling two at the same time is firm unless you know that you can pull it off. Do what you think is best.
You have successfully managed to mention two controversial topics, but you have inferior not only to provide any sort of original take on them, but also to invoke any sort of empathy or conception in your audience. Fail.
Edit: Sorry, you're right, I'm being a useless ***. Try 2:
Okay, first of all, you hold a suicide, and that's incredibly dramatic. That's good. But that also means that this is a subject that countless authors and artists have touched on past, and you need to either (a) go beside the story as is but say something new about it or (b) use the drama here to drive a different plot.
The problem near path A is that you haven't shown any signs that you're going to say anything new. Here's where on earth it seems like you're trying to say things roughly speaking what's happening in the story:
"What the hell did a 16 year old girl even know almost creating life, let alone terminating it?"
"Had she down the right item? Would life seemly fall back into place for Jessica approaching to the days of pre-pregnancy?"
The problem is that these are the same thoughts that anyone in Jessica's situation would think. In certainty, they're probably the first things someone would think (well, the first thing after, why the hell didn't we use birth control? but I digress). Suicide's also something that most people would consider about. What's something the average person wouldn't think roughly speaking? What do you know or feel about teen pregnancy that your average reader wouldn't?
Now, if you go down route B, something you're going to hold to be careful of is letting the story peter out. With stories like this, it can almost be like you blew your nouns in the first page of the story and didn't have anything left over. Like I said, suicide is incredibly dramatic (not to mention the pregnancy thing), so contained by order to keep your reader interested, you're going to have to resort to even more dramatic theme, or else what's the point of going on with the story? You've already read the good stuff.
My problem near going down road B for you is that you haven't shown any potential for doing this. The only hanging threads in this scenario are (1) will Jessica live? and (2) what will evolve to the baby? Recovering from a suicide and having a kid simply aren't more dramatic than suicide.
What's worse (and this would be a problem no matter what you choose to do near the story) is that it seems like you're eliminating potential sources of conflict as soon as they come up. The girl's pregnant. Oh capably, doesn't matter - she's committing suicide! And then she commits suicide, but guess what?
"...Jessica gave up. With no home, a boyfriend, or even a place to stay, her will to live ceased."
The suicide doesn't matter either! At this point, you've get one person in the whole world who this suicide impact. It's gonna be a lot harder to write a good story without adjectives the conflict and heartbreak and intrigue that could occur between multiple characters bouncing off of each other contained by the wake of a suicide. Jessica was a nobody, and nobody cares almost nobodies.
Okay, here's what I would do if I were you. There's one character you haven't mentioned nonetheless - the guy who got Jessica pregnant. It's obviously not Jessie, since Jessica hasn't even got the ball to talk to him. If Jessie really cares about Jessica, after he's got to have an opinion on whoever knock her up.
That could easily make for an interesting sort of love-triangle, since it'd be a love triangle with one of the points removed. But love triangles are overdone, even ones where on earth one of the points of the triangle is dead. What'd be more interesting would be is if the whole time, Jessie was trying to digit out who the hell the mystery father is. Kick it up a notch by removing two of the triangle's points. That gives you a good ample minor plot thread to keep your audience interested, or it could even be good enough for the key plotline.
At any rate, have the kid somehow survive, and then stick Jessie with him (Jessie'd enjoy to be at least 18 and would have to claim that he was the father for some pretext, but that's not to hard to cook up). Single parenthood (and a lack of child support from an skiver dad) always gets people's hackles up, thereby getting you this "controversial" label that you want, and I doubt most folks have thoughts about what they would do if they ever got shackled beside someone else's kid, because the idea of that happening never occurred to them. That relieves some of the pressure on you to be inventive. Go from there.
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