Do you resembling my story?
My life is… Different, weird, strange, peculiar, and fabulous! Don’t get me wrong, within are lots of problems, but my mom and I find a way to get through them, one way or another. I never thought we would come across a problem that organize to pure hatred, but apparently I was totally and completely wrong. . . Or was I!?!?
9 am contained by the morning, and I’m still not up, I’m such a rebel! I need to get up and aid my mom feed my baby brother Drew. I actually relish it, although he does cry a lot, my mom and I get to bond whenever we’re together like that, when nobody else is around, except for Drew as expected, but he’s just a baby!
My mom had me when she be 16 years old, so she is more like my best friend, than my mother, which is really cool. Now, I’m 15 and she’s 31, almost 32, and our life have been probably the most fun filled ever!
I rolled myself out of my bed, and through my purple and white polka dots sheets over the right side of the bed, where I be sleeping. In our house, we call that making our beds. “Hi, mom, are the pop tarts contained by the toaster,” I asked.
“Oh yeah, you think I would forget, yeah right. Drew is sleeping right now, so its just you and me, any thinking on what we should do,” mom asked me, while taking the pop tarts out of the toaster and into napkins. If there is one thing I definitely know about my mom, is that she is a total and complete slob!
“We should watch Funny People again, it is so hilarious,” I laugh! I know what you’re thinking, what am I doing, watching an R rated movie, at 15 years old. The truth is my mom will let me monitor anything, not because she doesn’t care, but because she knows she can trust me. So, every Saturday night we shift online and look up, “the worst movies list,” and we go down it, 1 by 1, we’re now on #13, and that be Funny People! Just saying the title makes me want to laugh distinctly.
The movie went by quick, and by the time it was over it be noon, and I was still in my pajamas, so be mom. Drew wasn’t, he was formally dressed in a polo shirt and camouflage jeans. Can you believe it, a baby dressed previously two woman older than him, who are so very capable of moving, walking, discussion, and of course picking out clothes.
I ran up stairs and picked out a pink <GUESS> shirt, and a pair of flare jeans. I am relatively a fashion expert, but I don’t really dwell on that a lot, even though everybody I know, and see can tell.
“Roof, roof, rooooooff,” cried the dog subsequent door.
“ Oh, shut up, stupid dog, I really can’t take it, I already listen to whining 24-7, and I personally can’t take anymore of it,” Erica complained to herself. Mom, we own to go shopping today! It’s really important, we don’t have anything, but milk, and what are we really going to do near that?”
“ I’m so sorry, err , but I am having lunch with… a colleague from work, can you go out and buy stuff, I trust your taste completely,” beg mom.
“ What about Drew, I can’t just leave him home alone, do I enjoy to grandma to come and watch him,” I questioned my mother. I predicted that mom, (Elena is her real name) would jump nuts if I asked grandma and grandpa to come over and watch him. ( See, Elena and her parents, Annabelle and Howard did not get along that well within her childhood, which ended very early. You would consider that Elena’s unexpected, and careless pregnancy was the harsh conditions that tore the family apart, but it was really the dark afternoon, when Elena was 11 that she figured out that her mom, was cheating on her dad, beside one of her business colleagues, which it actually was… Mr. Gilbert, he was always staring at my mom, at bring you kid to work year, but I had never thought that she would have an affair with him! She be on her way to tell her dad, when Mr. Gilbert came running out, and threatened to fire her mom, and sort her life miserable. Elena knew since her dad didn’t work that her family would be broke, and god know what would happen next, so she backed past its sell-by date, and never spoke to her mother again, which in the long run, led to Ericka. Elena would always speak about Ericka that she never wanted her to have the life she have, 3 words disappointment, hatred, and regret.)
“No need to do that, just help yourself to the baby with you, it’ll be good exercise too,” mom said hesitantly, trying to convince me not to call Grandma and tell her where we live. Yes, that’s right, her own mother and father don’t know where on earth mom, Drew and I live.
“Fine. Since when do you care so much about me getting exercise,” I asked confusedly.
“ I just caution about you. Don’t you know that, and if I didn’t you wouldn’t have all of those stylish clothes surrounded by your closet,” mom persisted. It was typical of mom to pool the “because I care just about you card” on any of her accuses I get suspicious about. I be starting to get a little angry cause I be planning on going out with my friends today, but it can always wait, I guess?
“I enjoy to go, but I’ll be home in time to watch Drew
Answers:
wow its a book i like it Source(s): i love to read
It's good, depending on your age. If your 16 or 17 years ancient it would be really bad discriptive wise.
yuh snapped
This is poorly written.
i like it, and see where it's going. apart from the sentence structure, which i'll ignore since its a draft, it's a fairly decent story. the lone problem is i feel like it throws a bit too much of the background at the reader at once. perspective telling should be a smooth transition and present more of a correlation within the actual story, not within parenthesis, as parenthetical results suggest an "aside, just some casual thing to record and hopefully a minor detail". Since you're stating important background info here, i'd suggest drawing it out into the story a bit more and not forcing it all contained by one big run-on sentence, but the dialogue is good.
i like how it's set in the parlance and how you do get right to the point in the dialogue, as sort of your own way of walking us through respectively of your thoughts so that we get more into the main character's thoughts, which, of course, we're already surrounded by anyway since it's in first person.
but good work, and hang on to at it. this could be at the top of the bestselling list before you know it! Source(s): i like to write, myself. sooner or later i hope to get something the world will remember and enjoy published
0_0that's a long story but it's an ok story
wow i if truth be told really like it, it's very unique, you should keep hold of it up, writing is a very unique ability, i cant do it, but you get what it takes, srs, keep on keepin on, youll go far!
o btw..sry, didnt read too long, thought you be writing like a new harry potter series or something
not very good....
it's ok. pretty ably written.
very well i liked it a lot it could use som work but it was so correct. i love to rit it iz my fav. thing to do any ways i can see were you are going with this and i approaching it. somthing i would read. i hop u finish this story cuz may be just may be it mit be on the shelves of a liybrery
you started in first entity hen went to third person point of view. how behind the times r u really? because you don't sound like your 15 or older. you have a sneaking suspicion that its strange for a 15 year old girl to watch a R rated movie? that's not a 15 year old's point if vista. i would honestly stay around your age area so you know what your talking about. unless you can write truthfully within a 15 year old girls point of view. which honesty i don't think you know around. sorry if i come across mean i just want to tell you how i honestly surface.
1. Too much telling, not adequate showing/
2. Your sentences are boring, rambling run-ons, devoid of any real significance.
3. Far too many adjectives, mostly contained by the first sentence. Pick one or, if you must, two different adjectives. For instance:
The day was cloudy, windy, grey, bleak, and cold.
You muse thunderstorm, right? So grey and cloudy mean the same thing. Windy can also be hidden, as well as bleak. Cold is too contrite an adjective to use i description. If you must convey temperature, do so by showing the character shivering or pulling her coat tighter around her. Although weather is a drastically cliche opening, I would go with describing the sky as anyone the color of slate, as well as windy. This will indicate a storm. Or rather than 'windy', you could personify the clouds beside something like: Looming clouds came out to play . . .
Also, PROOFREAD! Even the slightest scan can cure more typos.
Good luck on your writing endeavors.
Lena Source(s): Writer
It's very interesting and I similar to where you're going with it. ^^
Though you could've broken the paragraphs up so it's easier to read...
Pretty good, only a few mistakes-
I can’t just hand down him home alone, do I have to grandma to come and watch him,”
(I assume you missed the word "have" or "get" between to and grandma)
at bring you kid to work day
(You merely missed r in your)
Since when do you care so much about me getting exercise,” I asked (Use a cross-question mark instead of a comma)
Besides that it was quite fitting. Very detailed but not really straying to far from the point. :) Source(s): I read it.
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9 am contained by the morning, and I’m still not up, I’m such a rebel! I need to get up and aid my mom feed my baby brother Drew. I actually relish it, although he does cry a lot, my mom and I get to bond whenever we’re together like that, when nobody else is around, except for Drew as expected, but he’s just a baby!
My mom had me when she be 16 years old, so she is more like my best friend, than my mother, which is really cool. Now, I’m 15 and she’s 31, almost 32, and our life have been probably the most fun filled ever!
I rolled myself out of my bed, and through my purple and white polka dots sheets over the right side of the bed, where I be sleeping. In our house, we call that making our beds. “Hi, mom, are the pop tarts contained by the toaster,” I asked.
“Oh yeah, you think I would forget, yeah right. Drew is sleeping right now, so its just you and me, any thinking on what we should do,” mom asked me, while taking the pop tarts out of the toaster and into napkins. If there is one thing I definitely know about my mom, is that she is a total and complete slob!
“We should watch Funny People again, it is so hilarious,” I laugh! I know what you’re thinking, what am I doing, watching an R rated movie, at 15 years old. The truth is my mom will let me monitor anything, not because she doesn’t care, but because she knows she can trust me. So, every Saturday night we shift online and look up, “the worst movies list,” and we go down it, 1 by 1, we’re now on #13, and that be Funny People! Just saying the title makes me want to laugh distinctly.
The movie went by quick, and by the time it was over it be noon, and I was still in my pajamas, so be mom. Drew wasn’t, he was formally dressed in a polo shirt and camouflage jeans. Can you believe it, a baby dressed previously two woman older than him, who are so very capable of moving, walking, discussion, and of course picking out clothes.
I ran up stairs and picked out a pink <GUESS> shirt, and a pair of flare jeans. I am relatively a fashion expert, but I don’t really dwell on that a lot, even though everybody I know, and see can tell.
“Roof, roof, rooooooff,” cried the dog subsequent door.
“ Oh, shut up, stupid dog, I really can’t take it, I already listen to whining 24-7, and I personally can’t take anymore of it,” Erica complained to herself. Mom, we own to go shopping today! It’s really important, we don’t have anything, but milk, and what are we really going to do near that?”
“ I’m so sorry, err , but I am having lunch with… a colleague from work, can you go out and buy stuff, I trust your taste completely,” beg mom.
“ What about Drew, I can’t just leave him home alone, do I enjoy to grandma to come and watch him,” I questioned my mother. I predicted that mom, (Elena is her real name) would jump nuts if I asked grandma and grandpa to come over and watch him. ( See, Elena and her parents, Annabelle and Howard did not get along that well within her childhood, which ended very early. You would consider that Elena’s unexpected, and careless pregnancy was the harsh conditions that tore the family apart, but it was really the dark afternoon, when Elena was 11 that she figured out that her mom, was cheating on her dad, beside one of her business colleagues, which it actually was… Mr. Gilbert, he was always staring at my mom, at bring you kid to work year, but I had never thought that she would have an affair with him! She be on her way to tell her dad, when Mr. Gilbert came running out, and threatened to fire her mom, and sort her life miserable. Elena knew since her dad didn’t work that her family would be broke, and god know what would happen next, so she backed past its sell-by date, and never spoke to her mother again, which in the long run, led to Ericka. Elena would always speak about Ericka that she never wanted her to have the life she have, 3 words disappointment, hatred, and regret.)
“No need to do that, just help yourself to the baby with you, it’ll be good exercise too,” mom said hesitantly, trying to convince me not to call Grandma and tell her where we live. Yes, that’s right, her own mother and father don’t know where on earth mom, Drew and I live.
“Fine. Since when do you care so much about me getting exercise,” I asked confusedly.
“ I just caution about you. Don’t you know that, and if I didn’t you wouldn’t have all of those stylish clothes surrounded by your closet,” mom persisted. It was typical of mom to pool the “because I care just about you card” on any of her accuses I get suspicious about. I be starting to get a little angry cause I be planning on going out with my friends today, but it can always wait, I guess?
“I enjoy to go, but I’ll be home in time to watch Drew
Answers:
wow its a book i like it Source(s): i love to read
It's good, depending on your age. If your 16 or 17 years ancient it would be really bad discriptive wise.
yuh snapped
This is poorly written.
i like it, and see where it's going. apart from the sentence structure, which i'll ignore since its a draft, it's a fairly decent story. the lone problem is i feel like it throws a bit too much of the background at the reader at once. perspective telling should be a smooth transition and present more of a correlation within the actual story, not within parenthesis, as parenthetical results suggest an "aside, just some casual thing to record and hopefully a minor detail". Since you're stating important background info here, i'd suggest drawing it out into the story a bit more and not forcing it all contained by one big run-on sentence, but the dialogue is good.
i like how it's set in the parlance and how you do get right to the point in the dialogue, as sort of your own way of walking us through respectively of your thoughts so that we get more into the main character's thoughts, which, of course, we're already surrounded by anyway since it's in first person.
but good work, and hang on to at it. this could be at the top of the bestselling list before you know it! Source(s): i like to write, myself. sooner or later i hope to get something the world will remember and enjoy published
0_0that's a long story but it's an ok story
wow i if truth be told really like it, it's very unique, you should keep hold of it up, writing is a very unique ability, i cant do it, but you get what it takes, srs, keep on keepin on, youll go far!
o btw..sry, didnt read too long, thought you be writing like a new harry potter series or something
not very good....
it's ok. pretty ably written.
very well i liked it a lot it could use som work but it was so correct. i love to rit it iz my fav. thing to do any ways i can see were you are going with this and i approaching it. somthing i would read. i hop u finish this story cuz may be just may be it mit be on the shelves of a liybrery
you started in first entity hen went to third person point of view. how behind the times r u really? because you don't sound like your 15 or older. you have a sneaking suspicion that its strange for a 15 year old girl to watch a R rated movie? that's not a 15 year old's point if vista. i would honestly stay around your age area so you know what your talking about. unless you can write truthfully within a 15 year old girls point of view. which honesty i don't think you know around. sorry if i come across mean i just want to tell you how i honestly surface.
1. Too much telling, not adequate showing/
2. Your sentences are boring, rambling run-ons, devoid of any real significance.
3. Far too many adjectives, mostly contained by the first sentence. Pick one or, if you must, two different adjectives. For instance:
The day was cloudy, windy, grey, bleak, and cold.
You muse thunderstorm, right? So grey and cloudy mean the same thing. Windy can also be hidden, as well as bleak. Cold is too contrite an adjective to use i description. If you must convey temperature, do so by showing the character shivering or pulling her coat tighter around her. Although weather is a drastically cliche opening, I would go with describing the sky as anyone the color of slate, as well as windy. This will indicate a storm. Or rather than 'windy', you could personify the clouds beside something like: Looming clouds came out to play . . .
Also, PROOFREAD! Even the slightest scan can cure more typos.
Good luck on your writing endeavors.
Lena Source(s): Writer
It's very interesting and I similar to where you're going with it. ^^
Though you could've broken the paragraphs up so it's easier to read...
Pretty good, only a few mistakes-
I can’t just hand down him home alone, do I have to grandma to come and watch him,”
(I assume you missed the word "have" or "get" between to and grandma)
at bring you kid to work day
(You merely missed r in your)
Since when do you care so much about me getting exercise,” I asked (Use a cross-question mark instead of a comma)
Besides that it was quite fitting. Very detailed but not really straying to far from the point. :) Source(s): I read it.
Related Questions:
What's the speech Dumbledore make at the start of the third Harry Potter book?
Any help? Bunkum, bunkum, bunkum, Dementors, blah, blah, blah, lets eat. he tell them about Black's escape and about the dementors.He also indirectly warns Harry,Ron and Hermione not to progress around after hours under the invisibility cloak as Dementors can't be fooled by the invisibility cloak Welcome!Welcome to...
Why did Arthur Miller choose Salem?
Hey, Im asking Why did Arthur Miller choose Salem village out of all the other instances where citizens hunted down others. He was trying to compare McCarthyism in his book, where abundant innocent people, politicians, and actors were accuse, which created an atmosphere of hostility and uneasiness.I need 3 chief points for an essay, I already made...