What do you judge of this excerpt from a book I'm writing?
I drop my luggage down in the room I remember from when I was a child. It's big and has a nice fanlight with a view of a big maple tree, I can see the yard I remember from when I be a child.
"You remember that yard, don't you? You used to play with Nate Arlington and Annabelle Dereaux in that courtyard. You remember them, right?" My dad asks. He's standing behind me.
"Sort of." I say. I remember a little blonde boy next to hazel eyes and a girl with long light brown curls but I don't remember their names. The final time I saw them was before mom and dad divorced. Before I had to move, up to that time mom died and I had to move again-back here, where Dad suddenly has a trial wife who is suddenly pregnant.
But that's not the point.
"You'll remember. The Arlingtons and the Dereauxes will be happy to see you again. Annabelle and Nate will be your friends at school, I'm sure. They'll remember you." Dad says. Caralyn yell out for something, so Dad gives me a half smile and runs downstairs.
The old room is coming pay for to me. It smells like cinnamon, just like it used to. It's still painted off-white and I can explain to Caralyn tried to spruce it up as it looks really clean.
There's a small bed, which is new, and new sheets, which are oil lamp blue. There's a shiny wooden desk and a pretty light blue and teal rug. My dad and Caralyn must know my favorite colors.
The doorbell rings. It's very loud, and a little scratchy sounding so it must be dated.
"I'll get it!" I yell, and run down the stairs. I open the door to a girl beside light brown curly hair, and flawless skin. She's wearing a tight, shear green sweater with a convoy tank top under it and skinny jeans.
"Hey...I'm Annabelle Dereaux, I live next door. Are you, approaching, the Wilson's niece or something?" She says. Her voice is high and peppy sounding.
"No, I'm their daughter. Well, not Karen's. But, um, I'm living here now." I stare at my rumba flats.
"Oh my gosh! Charlotte Wilson! It's been like forever!" She hugs me, tight, which I hate because I other feel like my full D-cups are squishing the person hugging me.
"Yeah, um, it have." I say. "You can sure forget your hometown but your hometown can never forget you." I sigh.
Answers:
try not to repeat words too much like in the first and second paragraph. When you talk something like the divorce and past try to reference it with details ex. "in the past my parents fights that sent me crying into my sheets." Put more subtle details in about her mood ex "the maple tree shook near laughter at my misery." The last line doesn't appear like something you would say to another person who you in recent times met, to me personally.
These are just suggestions so don't feel obligated to redeploy your story if you don't agree with something
Dialogue should never be used as an information dump. Add some tension, make us support about what's going to happen. There is no conflict I care to see bring resolved at all.
It's very simple. You need to expand your vocabulary if you plan on writing a youthful adult or adult novel. For example, surrounded by the first few sentences, you say the words "big" and "remember" a noticeable amount. Try using a thesaurus to get more miscellany. (Just don't pick the thesaurus to death! An overuse of flowery words can lead to purple prose.)
Also, you're writing in a present on edge. This is okay, but different than most published books. It might be better to switch to past tense.
However, don't get the wrong theory. This has impeccable grammar and spelling. It's nice how you put it into readable paragraphs, beside separate ones for dialogue.
Just remember: use similes and metaphors and the like for a creative addition to an otherwise bland description. Make your characters round, flawed, and believable. And don't make the story too slow! Right in a minute your story isn't obviously going anywhere. It doesn't have a clear conflict. I'd advise setting up a problem within the first chapter, at least.
Good luck to you. Have fun writing!
Whoever said this has impeccable grammar is incredibly wrong--but the grammar mess ups are mostly isolated to diaslogue puncuation. (If dialogue is being qualified by a "I say," it should never train in a period, always a comma. And the word after a closing quotation shouldn't be capitalized.) Also, the writing is simple, and some adjectives (big room, big maple tree ... wishy-washy blue, light blue) and verbs (runs down the stairs) are repeated. And talking about Annabelle Dereaux right earlier she shows up is a poor writing strategy.
i like it. don't stop writing. good luck (:
please answer mine and look up 'what moniker do you like.........?'
Related Questions:
Is it okay to write a romance comedy original that have a cliche underside plot if the characters aren't stereotypical?
Just wondering. sounds approaching one I'd love to read. A smile's always welcome. Sure, abundantly of them get published every year. Just be aware that you'll be writing for a specific audience that reads all the other romance novel with cliche plots.
Night - Elie Wiesel help out?
can anyone please give examples of kindness, selfishness, physical/mental cruelty,or examples of principle being challenged with the page number? i want to fill in a chart. I CANNOT HELP YOU BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY I STUDIED ELIE WIESEL ABOUT THE WHOLE 4TH GRADE AND LOVED HIM! Do your own damn work while it's still...
"You remember that yard, don't you? You used to play with Nate Arlington and Annabelle Dereaux in that courtyard. You remember them, right?" My dad asks. He's standing behind me.
"Sort of." I say. I remember a little blonde boy next to hazel eyes and a girl with long light brown curls but I don't remember their names. The final time I saw them was before mom and dad divorced. Before I had to move, up to that time mom died and I had to move again-back here, where Dad suddenly has a trial wife who is suddenly pregnant.
But that's not the point.
"You'll remember. The Arlingtons and the Dereauxes will be happy to see you again. Annabelle and Nate will be your friends at school, I'm sure. They'll remember you." Dad says. Caralyn yell out for something, so Dad gives me a half smile and runs downstairs.
The old room is coming pay for to me. It smells like cinnamon, just like it used to. It's still painted off-white and I can explain to Caralyn tried to spruce it up as it looks really clean.
There's a small bed, which is new, and new sheets, which are oil lamp blue. There's a shiny wooden desk and a pretty light blue and teal rug. My dad and Caralyn must know my favorite colors.
The doorbell rings. It's very loud, and a little scratchy sounding so it must be dated.
"I'll get it!" I yell, and run down the stairs. I open the door to a girl beside light brown curly hair, and flawless skin. She's wearing a tight, shear green sweater with a convoy tank top under it and skinny jeans.
"Hey...I'm Annabelle Dereaux, I live next door. Are you, approaching, the Wilson's niece or something?" She says. Her voice is high and peppy sounding.
"No, I'm their daughter. Well, not Karen's. But, um, I'm living here now." I stare at my rumba flats.
"Oh my gosh! Charlotte Wilson! It's been like forever!" She hugs me, tight, which I hate because I other feel like my full D-cups are squishing the person hugging me.
"Yeah, um, it have." I say. "You can sure forget your hometown but your hometown can never forget you." I sigh.
Answers:
try not to repeat words too much like in the first and second paragraph. When you talk something like the divorce and past try to reference it with details ex. "in the past my parents fights that sent me crying into my sheets." Put more subtle details in about her mood ex "the maple tree shook near laughter at my misery." The last line doesn't appear like something you would say to another person who you in recent times met, to me personally.
These are just suggestions so don't feel obligated to redeploy your story if you don't agree with something
Dialogue should never be used as an information dump. Add some tension, make us support about what's going to happen. There is no conflict I care to see bring resolved at all.
It's very simple. You need to expand your vocabulary if you plan on writing a youthful adult or adult novel. For example, surrounded by the first few sentences, you say the words "big" and "remember" a noticeable amount. Try using a thesaurus to get more miscellany. (Just don't pick the thesaurus to death! An overuse of flowery words can lead to purple prose.)
Also, you're writing in a present on edge. This is okay, but different than most published books. It might be better to switch to past tense.
However, don't get the wrong theory. This has impeccable grammar and spelling. It's nice how you put it into readable paragraphs, beside separate ones for dialogue.
Just remember: use similes and metaphors and the like for a creative addition to an otherwise bland description. Make your characters round, flawed, and believable. And don't make the story too slow! Right in a minute your story isn't obviously going anywhere. It doesn't have a clear conflict. I'd advise setting up a problem within the first chapter, at least.
Good luck to you. Have fun writing!
Whoever said this has impeccable grammar is incredibly wrong--but the grammar mess ups are mostly isolated to diaslogue puncuation. (If dialogue is being qualified by a "I say," it should never train in a period, always a comma. And the word after a closing quotation shouldn't be capitalized.) Also, the writing is simple, and some adjectives (big room, big maple tree ... wishy-washy blue, light blue) and verbs (runs down the stairs) are repeated. And talking about Annabelle Dereaux right earlier she shows up is a poor writing strategy.
i like it. don't stop writing. good luck (:
please answer mine and look up 'what moniker do you like.........?'
Related Questions:
Is it okay to write a romance comedy original that have a cliche underside plot if the characters aren't stereotypical?
Just wondering. sounds approaching one I'd love to read. A smile's always welcome. Sure, abundantly of them get published every year. Just be aware that you'll be writing for a specific audience that reads all the other romance novel with cliche plots.
Night - Elie Wiesel help out?
can anyone please give examples of kindness, selfishness, physical/mental cruelty,or examples of principle being challenged with the page number? i want to fill in a chart. I CANNOT HELP YOU BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY I STUDIED ELIE WIESEL ABOUT THE WHOLE 4TH GRADE AND LOVED HIM! Do your own damn work while it's still...