I want your evaluation! Is this a fitting story? And what are some devout mermaid name.sorry its so long?
Yes! My classmates and I were playing tag on our playground at Vaudeville Middle School. Luckily for me I am very limber and ambiguous, so I am very hard to catch. “I’m going to receive you, Becky!” one of my classmates, Freddy called. He has brown hair and grayish blue eyes; he be one of the fastest kids in the 6th grade. As I was running, I took a hurried glance behind me. Darn! I thought. He’s so close! I looked ahead and saw a pole sticking out from the monkey bars. I stuck my paw out to my left and did a u-turn using the pole to swing around. Freddy went flying forward, not expecting me to turn. I did not notice one of the plan popular girls coming towards me. Freddy and her were usually ‘it’. “Tag you’re it!” she yelled. Her name be Jessica, and her father owned Dairy Queen.
“Class! Time to come in,” Mrs. Sines called. “Okay!” we called. “Okay class, today we will be conversation about ‘The Leaning Tower of Pisa’. It was built on the date of August 9th 1173. It is 183.27 feet from the ground on the lowest side and 186.02 ft on the uppermost side.” I raised my hand. “Yes Becky?” Mrs. Sines replied. “Do we need our laptops?” I asked. “Yes that would be well-mannered to have them,” she announced to the whole class. “Since we have such a short class today I am singular going to give a brief synopsis. We pulled out our laptops. “Okay class who knows why the tower looks like it’s something like to topple?” she asked. A girl named Sarah raised her hand. “Yes Sarah?” she replied. “My deem is that a giant pushed the tower over, but in the past it fell a troll stopped it and then a dragon killed the giant and the troll. And then-“ sarah replied. Mrs. Sines cut her off. “Sarah confer to me after class.” Mrs. Sines snapped. Then all of a sudden the fire alarm started ringing, we started to smell smoke! “Class we are going to have to vacate the classroom because the fire and smoke would induce our lungs to fill beside smoke. Shoot! I thought. I could not get wet! Or else- I shuddered. I did not want to be a test at a political affairs facility.
Once we met at the basketball court about 300 yards away from the building Mrs. Sines announced, “Class this was a setback from our lesson nearly the great tower; so we will continue it out here!”
“Miss. Smith!” Mrs. Sines called. I looked up. Oh no! I was within another reverie! “Y-yes Mrs. Sines?” I sputtered. “You may leave now,” she told me. Oh! Class was over. How mortifying! “Yes m’am,” I replied. I got up and stuffed my books in my backpack that had luckily not be smoldered in the fire. As I got to my bike by the playground I noticed a entry attached to it. I quickly scanned it. It said, I know you are not a mortal, neither am I. Meet me in the Annual Corn Field Maze down at Roseville Park nearly a 10 minute bike ride for you; Fish Girl. Sincerely, B.B. Time: 4:00
I looked at the clcok on my phone; it read 3:45. Mom won’t be home until five. I should have enough time. I hopped on my bike and started riding.
I arrived at the park right on time. There be a swing-set, a small lake, the cornfield maze, and couple of other typical park things. I parked my bike and walked into the grazing land of corn. I had been here last week so I still have a map. I followed the map to the direct center. And called out, “Hello? B.B?” A handsome young boy about my age stepped out. “Hi.” He said. “I am B.B.” Wow! Was he a conjuror or wizard? “You gave me the note?” I asked. “Yeah. Cool writing huh?” he said. “Umm yeah sure. By the way I’m Becky, what’s B stand for?” I politely asked. Next point I know he’s at my side, picking me up and throwing me in the lake! “AHHH!” I screamed. As soon as I hit the hose down I dove under making sure my ‘little secret’ didn’t show. “Hey Becky! B stands for Billy!” He yelled trying to get me to pop up. I didn’t call for air now so I started to swim around on the bottom of the lake. Ugh. I thought. I might as in good health pop up. I took my hand and swirled it over my body and kicked my tail around in a circle. Swoosh! I popped up to the surface in around a second. “What do you want with me?!” I screamed at him. He sighed. I waited.
About a minute following he replied. “I am a wizard. Watch.” He pulled out a small white pole and tapped it on his hand. The top of it glowed blue. “I know you’re a mermaid. Don’t verbs I won’t tell.” Billy said. I swam over to him. I hopped up onto dry land keeping my tail moist with a usual splash from my mitt on it. I looked at my tail. The scales were light blue. “My fish name is-“ I said but Billy cut me sour. “
Answers:
Well, I guess it's alright, but the writing is immature at loads of points, but I'm guessing you have a very righteous plot idea. I guess it's fun to read.
Edit:
If it's your little sister's, she's really good.
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Need constructive criticism on a story?
Yeah, I dunno. Do you think you guys would be able to tell me if this is any perfect at all? I spent about an hour writing it several months ago, and wasn't able to go and get much feedback at all.It's a short story, wouldn't take long to read.If you guys could tell me some stuff...
“Class! Time to come in,” Mrs. Sines called. “Okay!” we called. “Okay class, today we will be conversation about ‘The Leaning Tower of Pisa’. It was built on the date of August 9th 1173. It is 183.27 feet from the ground on the lowest side and 186.02 ft on the uppermost side.” I raised my hand. “Yes Becky?” Mrs. Sines replied. “Do we need our laptops?” I asked. “Yes that would be well-mannered to have them,” she announced to the whole class. “Since we have such a short class today I am singular going to give a brief synopsis. We pulled out our laptops. “Okay class who knows why the tower looks like it’s something like to topple?” she asked. A girl named Sarah raised her hand. “Yes Sarah?” she replied. “My deem is that a giant pushed the tower over, but in the past it fell a troll stopped it and then a dragon killed the giant and the troll. And then-“ sarah replied. Mrs. Sines cut her off. “Sarah confer to me after class.” Mrs. Sines snapped. Then all of a sudden the fire alarm started ringing, we started to smell smoke! “Class we are going to have to vacate the classroom because the fire and smoke would induce our lungs to fill beside smoke. Shoot! I thought. I could not get wet! Or else- I shuddered. I did not want to be a test at a political affairs facility.
Once we met at the basketball court about 300 yards away from the building Mrs. Sines announced, “Class this was a setback from our lesson nearly the great tower; so we will continue it out here!”
“Miss. Smith!” Mrs. Sines called. I looked up. Oh no! I was within another reverie! “Y-yes Mrs. Sines?” I sputtered. “You may leave now,” she told me. Oh! Class was over. How mortifying! “Yes m’am,” I replied. I got up and stuffed my books in my backpack that had luckily not be smoldered in the fire. As I got to my bike by the playground I noticed a entry attached to it. I quickly scanned it. It said, I know you are not a mortal, neither am I. Meet me in the Annual Corn Field Maze down at Roseville Park nearly a 10 minute bike ride for you; Fish Girl. Sincerely, B.B. Time: 4:00
I looked at the clcok on my phone; it read 3:45. Mom won’t be home until five. I should have enough time. I hopped on my bike and started riding.
I arrived at the park right on time. There be a swing-set, a small lake, the cornfield maze, and couple of other typical park things. I parked my bike and walked into the grazing land of corn. I had been here last week so I still have a map. I followed the map to the direct center. And called out, “Hello? B.B?” A handsome young boy about my age stepped out. “Hi.” He said. “I am B.B.” Wow! Was he a conjuror or wizard? “You gave me the note?” I asked. “Yeah. Cool writing huh?” he said. “Umm yeah sure. By the way I’m Becky, what’s B stand for?” I politely asked. Next point I know he’s at my side, picking me up and throwing me in the lake! “AHHH!” I screamed. As soon as I hit the hose down I dove under making sure my ‘little secret’ didn’t show. “Hey Becky! B stands for Billy!” He yelled trying to get me to pop up. I didn’t call for air now so I started to swim around on the bottom of the lake. Ugh. I thought. I might as in good health pop up. I took my hand and swirled it over my body and kicked my tail around in a circle. Swoosh! I popped up to the surface in around a second. “What do you want with me?!” I screamed at him. He sighed. I waited.
About a minute following he replied. “I am a wizard. Watch.” He pulled out a small white pole and tapped it on his hand. The top of it glowed blue. “I know you’re a mermaid. Don’t verbs I won’t tell.” Billy said. I swam over to him. I hopped up onto dry land keeping my tail moist with a usual splash from my mitt on it. I looked at my tail. The scales were light blue. “My fish name is-“ I said but Billy cut me sour. “
Answers:
Well, I guess it's alright, but the writing is immature at loads of points, but I'm guessing you have a very righteous plot idea. I guess it's fun to read.
Edit:
If it's your little sister's, she's really good.
Related Questions:
Can anyone relay me where on earth to find this Harry Potter and Yu Yu Hakusho crossover fic?
In the story Dumbeldore is bad and manipulative. Before Sirius Died he stayed with Genkai. Sirius manages to engineer it so Genkai takes care of Harry instead of living with the Dursleys and anyone under Dumbledores influence. I can't seem to find it...
Need constructive criticism on a story?
Yeah, I dunno. Do you think you guys would be able to tell me if this is any perfect at all? I spent about an hour writing it several months ago, and wasn't able to go and get much feedback at all.It's a short story, wouldn't take long to read.If you guys could tell me some stuff...